I’m tired. I’m tired of having a “syndrome†that makes everything look okay, when it’s far from it. I’m tired of having a “disorder†that I still behave fine, but I’m screaming inside my head. I’m just tired.
I have PCOS, which among other things makes me infertile, fat, sad, and angry.
I have PTSD, which among other things makes me unable to live day to day life in a normal fashion.
When I was very young I was surrounded by my mother, who verbally abused me, my step father, who sexually abused—raped me, and my biological father who was and continues to be a drug addict. I haven’t seen him since I was 12.
Then I grew up. The first time I lived on my own I planned to kill myself. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that my apartment wasn’t clean and I didn’t want anyone to find me like that. I played the part of someone going to get help. I saw a psychologist and a psychiatrist; they put me on meds and examined every facet of my thoughts until I just couldn’t do it anymore. The meds weren’t working and instead of changing them they wanted to treat the side effects.
During that time I had a boyfriend, mentally abusive mind you, and I had told my psychologist the only thing I wanted to be was a mom, but I wasn’t going to have a guy around for it. No I don’t trust men enough to be around my children, I was going to do it alone.
Skip to the part where I realize that I’m a lesbian… fast forward to the part where I found my fiancé who I can’t legally marry in the state I live in. We planned our lives out. We’ll have children, go to college, and become so much more than our parents… except none of that is probable. My parents forced me to go to trade school directly out of high school, college was looked down upon, with that they agreed to pay for that schooling. I found out recently, because my stepfather died, that I’ve been in default with the loans for over a year. They’re assigning it to a collections agency now and I can do nothing about it. They also used my credit for bills, Verizon, Sprint, Comcast, pse&g, and a credit card… they let everything go to collections.
I found out a couple months ago I had PCOS, which should’ve been diagnosed when I was younger and I wouldn’t get my period for 6+ months at a time, when I didn’t develop like a normal teenager, when I would have painful skin cysts, or maybe when my weight wouldn’t go down despite eating healthy, over eating, under eating. Exercising didn’t matter at all either. But my parents brought us to doctors only when we were facing long term injury or our schools demanded it because we had missed school so long. Now I’m overweight with minimal hope of losing it because of this “syndrome†and the one dream I’ve had since I was a child, being a mom, is damn close to impossible. My testosterone level is that of a post pubescent boy. More complicated is the fact that I’m in a same sex relationship with someone who doesn’t want to carry… a lot of pcos’ers get pregnant by accident. That can’t happen with me.
PCOS and PTSD both cause depression… and I truly want to die. I’ve called a few psychologists and a few psychiatrists and no one gets back to me. Occasionally I want to find a way out of this hole, and now I just want to use a shovel and bury myself in one. I don’t know what else to say, really, I guess I just needed to vent. To tell someone of my thoughts, my plans, and maybe someone will read my story and feel better about their lives.
1 comment
Cyster,
On the contrary to what you said, this only makes me want to help you.
Listen here, we’ll always be here to help you, but we can’t live your life or meet you face-to-face, so we can only advise and hope you listen to us. But we’ll be here for you and keep you company when you need it.
What I want to say is that try exercising. Not for your weight, but for your depression. It’s a scientific fact that it helps. It will take a LOT of time, but it will help eventually. 🙂 And so we’ll all be here to egg you on and keep you in our thoughts.