So, um this is my first post on here. I’ve been lurking around the site for a few days wondering if i belong here… if i belong anywhere. My life? urgh, to be honest, there is no point in it anymore. Ive been writing diary entries on my laptop (password protected) for a while now, but its not helping as much as i thought it would, which disappointed me to be honest. This site looks good, its like an anonymous diary entry but you can get feed back, or support etc, and i think thats what i need. I guess for this to work youre going to have to know my life and problems eh?
Well, hmph ._.  My mum died in 2011, and well i cant really remember anything in oarticular from then until the middle of 2012. But like 6/7 months ago, thats when my foster parents noticed that something was wrong. They saw how angry i got at nothing, how i isolated myself from everyone, how i lost my friends, and boyfriend, how school wasnt going well… and eventually they saw my markings. Lots of shizz happened after that, i tried to kill myself and then counselors and doctors an nurses and therapists etc were pushing their way in to my life. And well i lied a lot to get them to go away, i told them i loved life now, i told them that id never think about hurting myself again – a whole lot of rubbish to be honest because every single night i would go to sleep crying, i would wake up with soar arms because the cuts on them were so deep and burning with pain. I absolutely hate life. They ahve been gone for a while now, and well a couple of days ago, i cut my arm really bad – worse than its ever been to be honest, it hurt so bad, but it felt so good. Ive never felt so much release. Rghhhhh. I dont even know what to say.. but parents found the cuts this time again, on new years eve and screamed at me. they said i wasn an attention seeker, they said there was no need for me to cut – i wanted to kill her. ive never been so angry; they acted like my mum didnt ever exist. I want to die so badly, but im afraid of whats after life. im afraid of leaving one person behind. Im afraid of leaving my boyfriend. Its been almost a year, hes depressed  too. he said if i die, he dies too – i dont want him to die. :'( I dont even know :'(
3 comments
feel bad for you really,hope your mom is resting in peace but i think she feel sad cuz she left her daughter alone in a cruel world,be patient don’t throw yourself to the abyss at least for your boyfriend,i won’t say that you need to stop cutting cuz i by myself cut and wish to die but am still holding just for the people who care so i hope you do the same!!
the pain of losing your mom will never go away, but a lot of people just expect you to get over it. no, it doesn’t go away, but you get used to the hole. it’s a long road, but stay strong; you can make it through
Thank you, like for even reading my post. I know that the pain of my mums death wont ever go away, im just afraid people will forget her. My foster parents said if i keep cutting they will do everything they can to put me in a mental unsitution… im not insane! and thank you ‘sinful desires’ – makingme feel like im not alone in this sick world, makes me smile 🙂