So lost.

This is going to be extremely long, as I have been holding every bit of this in since forever. I have one friend in my whole life and I really hate to unload on her. I am sure she’s very tired of hearing it. They are not her problems, so why be a burden to her? Anyway, to begin, I am autistic and this makes every aspect of my life wildly difficult and I hate myself. I cannot talk to people, I stutter, I am  very easily, upset and when this happens I literally throw tantrums and revert to some kind of child-like state, I am so oversensitive and there is nothing I can do to fix this. I have only one friend as mentioned previously and people just think I am so strange, from the outside strangers and aquaintances wonder what is wrong with me or wonder why is it that I am so weird. People say they feel bad for me because I am quiet but these types of comments just make me angry, I am quiet because I don’t want to talk to them… Anyway, aside from these struggles within myself, I have an exponentially deep-rooted anxiety regarding people I love dying, leaving, things ending in general. I hate to live this way, it is so difficult and causes me to be depressed %90 of the time. Whenever I am petting my cat, for example, I start to have panic attacks thinking that one day she will die. This past Christmas, my dad and I had a snowball fight outside and it was a very happy moment between the two of us. Immediately following, I came inside, went to my room and started bawling because someday, my dad will die and I won’t have him. When I am with my boyfriend, I love him so much and we have been together for nearly 3 years and he is the only thing in my life that makes me feel like I belong somewhere, what will I do when he is gone? My mom has threatened to kill herself, run away or move out over very petty and unimportant things since I was a child. She is an alcoholic and has a rare adrenal disease called addison’s causing her body to lack in adrenaline production, this causes her to be in constant chronic pain and feel exhausted all of the time. I have taken care of her most of my life. She has hurt me in many ways, but hey, you cannot choose your family I suppose. I love her very much but it is so difficult. I had two brothers, both of which died. This has been exponentially hard on my entire family, as you can imagine, but a very primary reason for my mom’s depression. I had a lot of drug problems in the beginning of high school and went to rehab 3 times. This makes me feel very ashamed. I have been in mental hospitals twice on the account of suicide attempts. I feel very trapped because I am so sad, I truly hate myself and I can’t kill myself because I cannot hurt my mom and dad, I love them so much. I know I have a very good heart, I am very kind to people and I love animals and I am going to college for animal behavior and hope to one day to something with herpetology which is the study of snakes. I am so nice to people I don’t know why people don’t like me and I think all the time I just get sad I can’t take it. I seem very happy, and I feel happy until I think about things. Aside from all that I have told you, I made a horrible awful mistake and I hate myself for it so much it is what’s making me want to die the most. A year and a half ago, I cheated on my boyfriend one time. I did not initiate it but I didn’t stop it either. It was at such a different point in our relationship…He is my best friend now. Then, he was not very nice to me and I guess I just really wanted the affection and attention that I was lacking form him. He used to say to me all the time, I love blonde girls why aren’t you blonde blonde girls are so pretty, I love girls that do this and that and are tall and skinny and I love girls with freckles and oh my god she is so pretty, he would say these things and ignore me all the time, when we were together he made fun of me a lot. I am not saying it is his fault, I am simply stating it from my side of the situation. It was with a friend that I worked with and it did not go very far, but he just made me feel so good about myself. He put me on this pedestal that my boyfriend did not. It was just a kiss and I went home crying I couldn’t believe that I could have done something so against my character. I love my boyfriend so so much and did even then I just wanted to be loved too. I deleted this guys phone number, I blocked him from every internet website, and I never showed up to work again. I haven’t talked to him since and he apologized and said he would never tell anyone. When it happened, I truly realized I wanted to fix the things in my boyfriend and I’s relationship and I realized how precious our relationship truly is to me. The next day I was with him, and he casually started talking about him and I getting married and he told me what he wanted to name our kids and he started crying and said he was sorry that he is so mean to me. He said all of these things without me mentioning anything to him, he said he would treat me right from then on, and he has. But I love and respect him more than anyone in this whole world. He is truly my best friend and I don’t know what to do without him. He doesn’t know what I did and I don’t think he will ever find out. I could never lose him over a mistake, it was something that I never did before and would never ever do again to him or anyone, I feel so guilty… I cannot stomach this guilt anymore I hate myself and I want to die I love him I don’t know what I have done. Even though it was so long ago I just love him why could I have done this I just wish I could acknowledge to myself that it was truly a mistake and I have learned from it but it kills me to keep something from him, but if I tell him he will leave me, and if he ever found out he would hate me. Please don’t say anything mean, I have been cheated on before and I know how it feels. This is the biggest reason I don’t want him to ever know, I never want him to hurt, I love him, god I want to die !!!