Funny, I came on here to post about how I felt. But I read the comments/posts from some of the younger people here and I needed first to reach out to one of them and say ‘don’t give up’. But I think it makes a difference with age. When you are young, you have choices, hope – the older you get, the less choices you have.
Where to begin without boring everyone? If I’m going to be sad and depressing the least I can do is to try and amuse you all with this trite, common, boring tale. Alas…I will fail at that.
Okay – 52, soon to be 53. Single working mom of an 18 y/o son. Five years divorced after 25 year marrage – my choice – best decision I’ve made. No smoking guns just mind numbing loneliness. Hooked up with first love from childhood, four years, engaged – ended it. And I don’t know why I ended it. But I did. I just made it so he’d have no choice to walk away.  Gave up smoking and put on 25lbs and feel like something below what you would scrape off the bottom of your shoes.
So….I’m in my 50’s, have a huge house that I cannot afford to keep up. Just about under water or else I’d sell now. With each thing that goes wrong with the house, I think ‘Is now a good time for me go into the garage and let the car run?’ Pay isn’t increasing, expenses are, on the brink…brink, brink of falling off the true financial cliff. My son will be leaving me soon for college – which I cannot afford so it’s student loans for him.  We have a difficult relationship, I love him with all my heart…
I think what I’m going to do is to wait until he goes to college. I’m going to cash out what is left of my 401k, put the cash in his checking account. And then take some tranq’s, have a glass of wine, go into the garage, make certain the car has a full take of glass and just let go. That way – he has the $$ for college, I write him a letter and blame it on some medical condition and all is right with the world.
3 comments
It is true that when you get older, then the choices you have start to lessen. And yet, have you heard of some people well over their 80s and still enjoying life – whether by exercise or by socializing. You still HAVE choices.
I’m not going to sugarcoat this, but you have to know that there are certain roads you can still take.
First thing is; you may be in your mid-life crisis, which actually makes you blind to the choices before you. The doors that are open to everyone else are erased from your brain. They are still there though.
Get counselling – financial AND psychological. They can show you some of the routes you fail to see.
Next you need to start going out more. Not dating. Seriously, just walking around or jogging. It’s a scientific fact that exercising helps against depression. Even if you’re not depressed, though, go out and even take your kid with you sometimes. Go on small walks and have a picnic. Just enjoy the outdoors.
But, on the other hand, it is easier to go on if you have someone next to you, a real adult. So maybe dating is not that bad of an idea anyway.
Your child is still young. He is not an adult yet, even if he is in body. He will probably make irrational decisions if you decide on suicide. He will probably be consumed by depression himself. What do you think the worst case scenario is?
You still HAVE choices. Find them!
Also, until you get better, we will all be here to listen to you. We will listen and try to help. So please, want our help and then try to get better, financially and psychologically. You CAN do it!
Dear AloneInTheDark,
I actually never shared my feelings on here, only commented somebody else’s story, but I feel like you deserve my honesty. You are probably the mother I wish I had, but never got the chance to meet. I am 21 year’s old, university student. I have a 50 y.o. mother who looks like a barbie doll and behaves like a *****. She’s successfull, skinny, rich, sophisticated. When I was born she forgot to feed me regularly, so my grandma had to come and sneak in some milk for me. Since I can remember, not a day has passed without me hearing her say I’m fat, ugly and her worst failure. Not a day since I can recall she hasn’t taken off something from my plate at dinner, saying I am so obese I can use some starving. The doctor told her she was wrong and I was perfectly in shape, she changed dietist, until she stopped trying to make a clinical case out of me. When I was 8, I was severely molested. She said it was my fault. A 8 years old girl had caused her own rape.
I know this sounds like a rant, but I’m getting to the point.
I never had a mother that willingly decided to end her marriage: she used to say that love and marriage are different things, and that money matters.
I never had a mother to look at my report card and say “good job”. I merely heard “You should be good at studying, at least. Since you’re THAT fat.”
I was never fat. I was a normal girl. I’ve been a bulimic since I was 11, because of her. She said that’s the biggest gift she gave me: being able to purge.
You could be my mother. You could be the mother I cried for since I could speak.
Don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on your son, even if he does not appreciate what you do. Be the mother we, abandoned children, need.
Be the mother I need, even if I will never see you or hear your voice.
We need to know some mothers are able to love beyond sadness.
One of my worst fears is what I’m supposed to do when I go off to college. When my whole world gets upended, the last thing I’ll expect is something terrible happening at home. My dad has said that I’m pretty much his only reason to live, and suspecting he’ll have severe empty nest syndrome, I’m afraid of what he’s going to do. My dad also has house troubles, since the market crashed several years ago. even if you think securing your son financially will ease his burden, the emotional burden of losing his mother might be unbearable. I’m not trying to give you a guilt trip, but you do have options left to you, which Sinine lined out nicely.