I’m exhausted. Therapist says I’m burnt out. Everyone tells you it’s all about you changing your attitude. That if you change it, you’ll fit in and people will start to like you and feel close to you. I don’t know. I’m not someone people relate to much. I am not someone whom people can feel things for– can be close to. I don’t know how to change my attitude.
I was hospitalized this past summer for suicidal thoughts. I don’t care anymore. All I can do is feel sorry for myself, but even that is getting old and tiresome and irritating.
I don’t think I really know much about the world around me. I don’t understand people. I don’t feel people or feel anything around me. And that scares me.
One day… I feel that I will have this great, euphoric moment and it will be so overwhelming that I’ll blow my mind right into it for good. It doesn’t make any sense, I know. But I feel it every day. All my life I feel like I have been waiting for it. For killing myself. Like my life doesn’t have much meaning outside of it. I think I have fallen in love with the imagery.
I know we’re all alone. No one can step inside of you and feel everything as you feel it in the exact moment and the exact intensity. But I am really alone.
It’s not as simple as just changing your clothes and attitude. It’s more than that. I am empty. I am a non-person. That’s what makes me anxious all the time. I can’t be those things. I can’t do it not because I don’t have the confidence for it, but because it wouldn’t provide me with any meaning.
…I don’t know what I want. And I feel sometimes this world doesn’t have much to offer me. “Go on an adventure.” Find yourself!” No. I won’t feel it, and I don’t know why.
2 comments
soulmate, I also have fallen in love with the imagery of me dying, its kinda overwhelming, everything that happens you know, like a ride my bike to and from school and I just tthink about cars running me over or me falling and breaking my neck, and how peaceful it would be, but we have to hold to what we do before we die you know, we are here for something and we will DO IT before we die, and die when we are ready fully to die, could be death, but it also could be something more beautiful , like dying for those who don’t have a say, living for th poverty stricken or helping those THAT NEED you know, killing yourself and living for others if you know what I mean, my email is morenomari1@yahoo.com, your not alone, we can build something..
Can you rest in any (temporary) way so that you aren’t exhausted?
I hope you didn’t have to pay for the hospital because they made you go there. If they did I’m going to start a hospital and diagnose everyone with depression. Good business. (Sorry for this totally off topic paragraph.)
People don’t make any sense. They’re unpredictable and it sucks.
Just remember alone isn’t the same as dead. You can find something to do I’m sure. I’m not saying change into your happy clothes or take those caffeine pills with the smiley faces on them, but maybe at least keep looking while you’re here.