Have you ever felt like your whole world was falling apart? Like everything you knew was coming crashing down upon you at full speed? Like everything that you once cared about and found security in was torn apart from you in the blink of an eye, and you were left there to somehow pick up the pieces? Have you ever felt like that? When the only thing in the world that you would have given your life for is suddenly gone with no real reason why? Torn from your life, while your heart is lying dead on the ground?
I have. I do right now. This feeling, this inexplicable, terrifying feeling… I can’t put into words the pain and terror I feel on a daily basis. All day, really. It feels like I’ve been beaten to a pulp and I’m being left to die by myself. No one can help me, no one can understand my pain. No one cares, either. Certainly not you. Not you, who beat me down to this level. Not you, who doesn’t care about me anymore. Not you, who just a few months ago I spent so much time and energy on trying to show you how deep my affection was for you. Not you, who cannot even give me closure for my destroyed heart. I am destroyed, by every single definition of the word. I am not the same. I don’t know who I am at all. I know who I want to be, but right now I feel as though I am a ghost. Going through the motions of the day, barely hanging on. All that seems to keep me going is you. Even then, though, I must admit that suicide seems like a very attractive option to get out of this pain. But you keep me here, waiting, in pain. You make me want to die. Die because I love you so much. Because I was not even worth a second chance and tossed aside like garbage. Die because my tears meant nothing to you, 2 years meant nothing to you. But they meant everything to me.
I should never have believed you when you told me ‘forever’ and that you wanted to marry me. I should never have believed you when you told me I was so amazing and that you would never leave me, even if I cheated on you (which I never, ever did). I should have never believed you when you told me that no matter what we would get through everything and be together. The biggest lie I should not have believed was that you loved me. No one in my life has ever truly loved me, not even my own father. No one has ever cared. I’ve been abused and used by every single person in my fucking life. I was a fool to believe that you, special you, would love me. It must have been tiring to be with me for almost 2 years but I know you got your perks out of it. At first I wasn’t sure about our relationship but then I knew that to me you were special. To me you were the one. No matter what happened when we fought or what I said or did you were always in my heart. I was foolish to make a lot of the mistakes I did. A damned fool. But I loved you. I have never stopped loving you. Not ever. Not even after you ripped my heart from my chest, told me everything was a lie, and stomped on my vulnerable heart not once, but twice, I still am madly in love with you. I still yearn every day for you. You are my minds favourite thought and my favourite thing to think about. Each day is the day I think you will finally contact me again. You will finally tell me you made a mistake and you’re sorry and you miss me. But each day I am disappointed again. Almost 3 weeks of disappointment. I am losing faith. I am losing faith in myself. I am starting to believe that I wasn’t special after all to you. You were my first true love and told me I was yours. But how can I be? How can that be true when you don’t even care about me. Sure, you cared enough to tell me you missed me at first. But then when I talked to you I was ignored yet again. How is that fair? I waited for you to say those magical words, then you tell me you are ‘confused’. Meanwhile I am the one with the broken heart. Meanwhile I am the one who was rejected not once, but twice now. I felt good about not talking to you because I thought if you came back and said those words it would mean you wanted me again. You did basically tell me that. But you lied. Everyone lies to me. Everything is a lie. I feel so worthless, are you happy? You used me for sex and then told me we couldn’t be together. After telling me we could. You lied to my face. You saw me have a nervous breakdown right in front of your eyes and you said nothing. You only tell me you care when I am about to kill myself because of how much of a worthless piece of shit I feel am. I know you don’t care. I know you only don’t want my death on your conscience. You are a terrible, heartless man. You are not the person I thought you were. How could someone who ‘loved’ me treat me like this?
All I can do is think about how much I love you! Each day it gets more and more difficult for me. Its getting to the point where I want to kill myself right now because I am so unhappy. I gave up so much for you, including my friends (even though I did not mean to). And now I am all alone with no support from anyone. My family is tired of me talking about you. They do not know what to say anymore. I am forced to be confined to my prison; the thoughts of you consuming my mind all day. I am lonely. I am sad. I am destroyed. I am terrified. I am scared. I want another chance to be with you and make you happy. I want another chance to spend time with you and not take you for granted. I want you. That’s all I want. That’s all I’ve asked for from God. Why can’t you come back to me?! TWO YEARS with someone and I get tossed aside like nothing… it may not hurt for you but for me it feels like torture. Pure, unadulterated torture. If there was a painless way I could kill myself, I would do it right this very second. What point is there for me to go on? I’ve tried to do things for myself, I’ve tried to be positive, I’ve tried to go out and have fun. I’ve tried to do so many things. And guess what? No matter what, I can’t get you off my mind. I just can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I wish I was a girl who could just forget about things and say whatever. But I cannot. At least, not with you… not when I know this isn’t how it should be… I don’t want any other guy, I don’t even want to meet other guys. All I want is you! Why, why does God have such a cruel sense of humor… I feel as though my life has been a joke! Ive NEVER felt true happiness until I had you in my life. I have never felt truly happy, loved, or even like I belonged. Never. I trusted you with my secrets. I gave you part of me ill never get back. I gave you my entire heart and soul and I just wasn’t good enough. I was good enough before. Why not now? why cant you just try one more time? When I asked you how you were sure we would be together forever before you told me that you didn’t change your mind often. Well, now look. Now im here in my misery and you are there. Doing whatever. Lord only knows. Probably never going to change your mind about me, like you said. I cant take the guilt from the things ive done to you. I didn’t mean to. Im a fucked up human, I guess. Just a sad individual. But at least you made me change. At least you made me become better. Im sorry I wasn’t enough. Im sorry you hate me. I don’t know why, when I’ve apologized and done so much.i wish I knew why you didn’t want me anymore.
You never gave me a reason. You never gave me closure. You took the cowards way out. You did not give me anything when we broke up. Not one fucking reason, not even to my face. You are a fucking coward. You said the cruelest things you could possibly say to someone with a broken heart, who is still clearly in LOVE with you, who is begging for your forgiveness, and you just had to hurt me even more. You had to make yourself feel even better. But it didn’t make you feel better. That’s why you came back. Maybe for your own sense of closure. Fucking prick. I want to fucking hate you. Look at what you’ve done to me. Look at what my life is now. crying every god damn day. Dreaming and praying youll come back. Fighting with myself not to call you and tell you I love you. What fucking good would it do anyways? None. You don’t want me no matter what. Im fucking fed up with this. I DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE. I MESSED UP BEFORE AND AT TIMES BUT IVE NEVER CHEATED ON YOU OR DONE SOMETHING THAT IS BEYOND REPAIR. I FUCKING LOVE YOU. I FUCKING HATE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. You probably don’t even give a single shit about me. You probably don’t even care about what im doing. Clearly not. Last time I saw you all I wanted was to hang out with you for a bit. Just a little while. And you fucking left. You left me outside crying to be chased by some random guys and have shit thrown at me. You left me and you didn’t care. How can I keep being treated like I don’t matter? Like im beneath you? Like im garbage? I hope you feel bad for what you’ve done to me. I hope you feel immense guilt. I hope you fucking dream of me and I hope you hurt. I hope you realize that I would have given up anything for you. Any single thing you wanted I would have done if it meant I could get you back to being mine. Clearly all my begging has gone to your head. clearly you don’t care about how I feel about anything. Only what you feel. Youre an asshole. You’re talking to some other ***** that doesn’t even compare to me and want to take her to prom when I told you several times I wanted to go with you. I fucking gave up my prom because of you. I FUCKING NEVER GOT THAT EXPERIENCE. AND YOU CANT EVEN GIVE ME IT WHEN WERE DATING BUT ARE GOING TO TAKE SOMEONE ELSE?!?! jesus fucking christ.
God, I fucking hate you. I fucking hate your guts. I feel nothing but anger toward what you’ve done to me. You are a fucking asshole. I never mattered. I never fucking will matter to you. I was only useful for fulfilling your sexual needs, buying you shit, giving you what YOU wanted. You never cared about what I wanted. You fucking gave up. You fucking broke my heart. Who knows how long you held on just to use me and get over me. Who fucking knows. All I know is that I fucking hate you now. I have never, ever, EVER let any guy in my life use me like I have you. And I did it all because I love you and I wanted to show you. I wanted to feel like I mattered to you. Well, you know what. You don’t deserve my heart. You don’t deserve everything I bought you. You don’t deserve the tears ive cried over you. Look at you. I gave you everything, my heart, on a silver platter. I got nothing in return except for a suicidal mind and unbearable pain. No one deserves this feeling. No fucking one. You betrayed me. You betrayed my trust. You broke me. I don’t even know how to put myself together again. I fucking hate my life!! I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. I hate feeling used and not even having you fucking care about me. How fucking dare you do this to me. How dare you treat me like this… I fucking cant even deal with this anymore. I FUCKING HATE YOU. I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH. LOOK AT ME. LOOK WHAT I HAVE BECOME. ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!! I hope I die. I hope something kills me. I hope when you hear about it you fucking cry. I hope you fucking hate yourself. You are a fucking jerk. I fucking hate you for this. I love you but I fucking hate you.
1 comment
i feel you…