I’m 15. Living with my mum and her boyfriend – plus my two brothers. I see my dad on weekends. That kinda thing.
I suppose..I’m meant to say the problem here..whatever problem I have..and I guess that’s part of the problem itself – is that I don’t know which problem is the worst.
I don’t really get along with my mum. I mean we’re fine sometimes, but then others..we just clash. She’ll ask me to do something and I won’t do it, or I’ll just have a go at her for no reason whatsoever..I suppose that’s kind of typical teenage stuff. I went to the doctors not long ago to help for sleeping, I’d sometimes go without sleep for 3 nights, having to go to school in the morning would be a task and a half, and obviously I wouldn’t want to go – another argument with my mum over that, I’d end up going to school, then going back home at lunchtimes saying I wasn’t feeling well. I guess after going to the doctors I thought things would be a bit better, instead I’d blame her for not helping me, I don’t know really what she could do to help, but I needed to blame someone. Things got from worse from there, I stopped going to work, stopped hanging out with friends, even at school, I’d prefer to be away from everyone. School started going downhill, then the teachers would get at me, I refused to go down to see my dad – just because I knew he would know whats wrong..I mean..I didnt know..but he would know something was up..and I didnt want to explain to him whatever was running through my head.
See that’s part of the problem too I guess, I didn’t tell anyone when it first started, me feeling down, and then I kept going on until just one day I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d lash out at family, say such hurtful things – they didnt even do anything wrong. I was and am turning into a monster in the way that..even if they just talk to me when I want to be left alone, I’ll say something horrible.
I dropped classes in school, eventually my mum grasped that I was struggling with pretty much everything after me having an absolute meltdown in tears one weekend – thing is, I think she just thought it was with school..but it was everything. Everyone and everything..just was too much and I didnt want to have to handle it. A friend of mine was going through a hard time at the same time as all this, and I couldnt handle being there for her, because I wasnt even keeping myself together. I can’t describe how it feels to feel the way I feel. It’s like..if there is a god..or someone out there, what the heck was he thinking making me apart of family..I mean I don’t deserve them, I don’t deserve anyone. What could my parents possibly have done to deserve me right? It’s a feeling where you feel you are nothing. I don’t do anything to help anyone. I don’t care about myself right enough..but thats the thing. I just dont care. I don’t see myself having a future, going to college, meeting someone nice..that whole thing. I used to have it all planned out, work hard at school, go to a college, study to become an english teacher..and it’s not that I don’t want to anymore..it’s just that I don’t see why I should  bother.
My mum wants me to talk to someone about it all, before I do something I ”regret.” This is gonna sound bad but she doesnt know about the times I cut myself…I could never ever tell that her that. She would be so disappointed and scared for me..that even just thinking off the look on her face if she found out brings me to tears. I want to feel better, to just get along with people and friends like before, but I cant do it by myself, and maybe thats why I blame my mum for it all, because I want her to know how I’m feeling so she can help..but she wont know until I say anything.
Everything’s just so difficult right now. I just want to be by myself.
2 comments
it sounds like a depression to me, a severe one. I think it would help a lot if you could tell her something not about cutting but something and specially make her understand its not only the school or college but everything. tell her that you really need some kind of professional help. it would be helpful to have someone to talk to, someone who cant go tell anyone about your feelings or anything. i find it helps me to talk to my therapist. i think its worth a try. please try it!
Hey forgetfuhl,
It’s never to late to do anything. You should go back to school or at least hang out with your friends. Maybe you don’t really want to but force yourself for few weeks. It’s bad being alone with your mind. I had kind of the same problem. I still do. Nothing intrests me. Now I got a studying place but I feel like I know like I know this place already, the world, there’s no suprises, really. But I’m still here. It’s one life, after all. I kind of talked many sentences of nothingness but I hope you get me at some level.
Just be yourself!