(Just) A Bad Day…

This is my first time posting here.  I’m glad I found a place where I can say this stuff openly. Sorry this is long.

I’m probably not gonna off myself, but I hurt and the thought is really there today.

A few months ago my cat died.  He was my best friend for 15 years.  He was my rock.  I didn’t trust anyone except myself with his care.  Whenever the world got too much, I could just look at him and have enough determination to go on. He actually NEEDED me.  Now he’s gone and with him my purpose.  (If the death of an animal hurts this much, doubtful I’d survive the death of a close human.)

Now all I have is a heart shaped brass box with his ashes, and a clipping of fur.

I have a new cat. He’s a good cat. But it’s not the bond of a duo who were together since both their childhoods.

I’m 24 and live with my parents.  Mom has a halfway decent government job. Dad is an unemployed mooch.

I went to college for two years and just… broke.

Between the stress of classes and some very bad “friendships” it finally just went over the edge.

I did/do therapy and am on antidepressants which take the edge off. I think. I cant really tell any more.

The fall out is I’m agoraphobic. (basically afraid to leave the house or be alone).  Looking back at life and what things stressed me out, I’ve had an agoraphobic leaning from the start, even as a kid.  Now it’s full fledged. I don’t like leaving the house for even an hour.  I can suffer thru it for things like doctors appointments ect.

My therapist figured out I’m ADD.  (Attention Deficit Disorder.)  College classes and the job I had for a while sucked because of it.  Even when I /WANT/ to I can’t focus on shit my brain doesn’t want to focus on.  This makes life complicated but homelife with it is doable.

Money sucks.  I’m pretty sure dad is ADD too.  Our family doesn’t really budget.  (I don’t dare open that can of worms with my parents.)  Bottom line is I really need some sort of trickle of income.

How how how in the hell am I supposed to get work when I’m fucking agoraphobic?  The ADD furthers the problems because I simply can’t work with numbers.  Math is HELL.  I TRY to focus but strange things happen to the numbers.

However, I doubt I’m fucked up enough to qualify for disability.

I can’t eat air, but mom makes too much for me to qualify for food stamps.

I could try for the housewife thing, but with the ADD and crap I don’t think I’d be a good mother.  Also I don’t want to pass on my crap tastic genes to some poor child. That’s cruel.  I don’t want my offspring to have as crappy a life as I do. (Do NOT tell me otherwise on this matter.)

On facebook someone posted a quote from Doctor Who to the effect he’s never met anyone who wasn’t important.

I dont think I’m important.  My presence here no longer really matters.  My cat made it matter, now he’s gone.

If I offed myself, it would fuck up my parents.  So I’m obligated to live until they pass on.  After that, I might do it.  Distance myself from friends for a few months to lesson the blow, then do it.  If shit hasn’t improved by then, might as well.

Part of me hurts so bad I want to do it now.  I dont know what happens next but here fucking sucks.  And I’m not a starving african kid.  All the resources I consume could go to someone else who needs it.  I contribute almost nothing and my fucking mental illnesses hamper my potential to actually really contribute.