If I hear one more person tell me how lucky I am, I’m going to shoot myself in the mouth. Actually I’m going to shoot myself in the mouth anyway, so no big deal.
All my life, I’ve pretended to be something ideal, I’ve convinced myself and others that I’m a talented, good-hearted soul with a great future. And when the illusion began to wear thin, I would disappear and surface in a new city where I would do it all again.
One of my few pleasures in life is reading what my old friends say about me. They’re all looking for me, assuming I’m some celebrity living under an assumed name, or assuming I’m in some distant land making the world a better place. Well the truth is I haven’t amounted to shit, never have, never will. And now that the illusion has cleared it’s just me: a miserable, worthless, hateful loser sitting on the floor of a dirty apartment, pumping pills into himself for the past 48 hours, trying to work up the courage to pull the trigger. If my friends could see me now
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4 comments
you may not be lucky no, but you are blessed. please know that if you need anyone to talk to….then i am here
cyanidesofmarch – genius name 😉
no – i agree – you can’t be lucky. because if you were lucky, you’d know how to release the hate that you hold so tightly and won’t let go of – i’ve written here countless times that “Hate” is an activity, not an emotion. hate isn’t something you feel – it’s something you DO … and like any activity, while you’re doing it you are too preoccupied to do anything else. Here’s to hoping you find a way to stop hating whatever it is that you are focusing it on and let it go, forgive and become indifferent to the things you are hating on … that way instead of being a “miserable, worthless, hateful loser ” … you’ll just be a “worthless loser ” … and that will be progress – and maybe more manageable for you
dawg
Aftershock, thanks, sometimes I feel blessed but moreso I feel cursed… otherwise I wouldn’t be in this mess my entire life
Dawg, glad you like the name… I thought it was kinda clever, but then it seemed stupid. That basically describes everything I do in life :/ I know hate is a corrosive thing. But it’s the only thing I can rely on. When love proves false, when faith is betrayed, there’s always hate. It’s powerful stuff. Like putting jet fuel in a Honda, it keeps me from running out of gas, but sooner or later I know it’ll burn me up. I guess that’s what I want anyway