No Hope

No words can accurately describe how I feel, but I can’t live anymore. Everyone thinks I’m happy and care free when really I’m trapped in these lies. No one knows I’m miserable. Not a day goes by when I don’t have thoughts or urges to just end it all. My only hesitation is where I will go next. I don’t want to be wrong about my faith and just die and be nothing if I’m wrong. What if life is over when we die? I just robbed myself of my whole life at 18 if I do it. What if the next life is even worse than this one and I want to go back but can’t? I’m not scared of this life or even ending this life, just what comes next. Suicide is selfish but I don’t care. I can’t be here anymore. I don’t have money to do my own things, so me, a legal adult, is still under the control of my guardians. I do not love anyone but I don’t like hurting people’s feelings. I don’t even love my parents. I need them, I don’t want them. I cut and it numbs the pain. The touch of the razor blade to skin gives me shivers and calms me down. I’m sick and twisted and I can’t do anything about it. I can’t help myself, no one can. I’ve tried so many medicines and nothing works. They increase my suicidal thoughts and even give me suicidal dreams. There is literally no hope. God send something or someone to kill me please.