I have been depressed since i was 8 years old. Everyone down plays it and acts like im faking it. My friends tell me i do this for attention, but really i would do anything to be happy. To be a normal 15 year old girl. When i was in first grade, i broke a pencil in class and cut my ankle. I continued to do it after that. It showed me i was alive, even though it wasnt a good thing to do. My arms now look like they went through a paper shredder. I never wear short sleeves because of it. Â Everyone that i tell my story to judges me.
When i was 6, i was raped. I have just let myself start to open up about this. I have struggled with anger issues, depression, anxiety, and insomnia for as long as i can remember. I have attempted suicide 11 times and the first time was when i was only 8 years old. Theres a reason i havent died yet. I just cant find it.
Now i have struggled with addiction for 3 years. Its not like i do it to just sit around and get high all the time. I do it to cope. Some people say thats bullshit, but the people that struggle with depression understand why i do it. Its a way to get through the day. It lets me put all my cares aside and to be a little happy.
My biggest problem is that im numb… I dont feel sadness, yet i dont feel happiness. Its miserable. All i want is some feeling back. Am i crazy? Does anyone else feel this way?
I dont see any reason to on. A few weeks ago my reason was him. He made me smile and i started to feel happiness again. It was a step in the right direction. We had been together for a year and before that we were best friends for 2 years. Then he cheated on me, lied to me, and just broke me down. Now im in a worse place than before. Yet i manage to laugh all the time and keep that fake fucking smile on my face every day. If only people knew how i really felt… Maybe then they would have some sympathy.
Im just done. I cant do it anymore…
5 comments
You’ve been strong for 15 years. What’s one more day?
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this pain all alone 🙁 I wish I could help, but I’m sure that nothing I say will make you change your mind, but I’m here to share my story with you so maybe, just maybe, it could help you. Just a few weeks ago, I’ve been betrayed by someone I thought was my best friend, the only person I trusted in this go forsaken world. Being betrayed, and used, and lied to by her made me realize just how fucked up this world, especially the people living in it. That day, I was more than ready to end my own life; I just wanted to be free from this pain. It really was thanks to this site and the people in here that I’ve been able to find my own happiness and sanity and continue living. Point is, people come and go (no matter how close) and you really just can’t trust everybody you meet. I recommend going to a therapist because they’ll help you a lot more than you think 🙂 I myself want to go visit one, but my parents are against it unfortunately (this is why I’m studying to become one). Anyways, I really do hope you don’t end your life 🙁 I hope you can find the hope in light within you to keep pushing forward. Surviving this long shows your immense strength and good things WILL happen to you in life for overcoming these obstacles. Hold your head up high 🙂
You said yourself that there is a reason why you haven’t died yet – you just haven’t found it yet. This is what keeps you alive. This is what keeps me alive. I was cheated on as well, lied to…I was involved with this person for 5 years – on and off and the worst part is that despite all the shit I know that there is a deep mutual connection…
I am not telling you this to keep talking about myself, but I was trying to think of something that would pull your fingers off the trigger.
I too feel nothing, alive or dead, I don’t give a fuck, but like you I haven’t died yet, God knows why. Perhaps I am also looking for a reason to live for…I find a little help in learning to embrace my misery…I learn to accept that this is the way I am and there is pretty much nothing I can do about it…that makes it a little bit easier…
Thanks guys. It means a lot to know people actually took the time to read my story. Its people like you guys that are my inspiration. All of us on this sight are going through hell but atleast we have each other for advice and a way to feel like you arent as crazy.
Is this still relevant? I didn’t really come here for the suicide part but now that I’ve read this, I wonder if you’re ok. Addiction is a really hard thing to get rid of, after all.