I have been battling for a very long time now. Everyday I have to justify to myself why I’m still here. Even though I do have to keep going through it everyday, every battle that I win against myself has kept me around this long. I don’t know what else to do but try and get help when each battle is becoming harder and harder to win, so I got on the computer and sought help. I’ve tried talking with friends, talking with family, but its all too personal and just makes it harder, and for some stupid reason I feel like as I am talking to them that I am just dragging them down with me so then I shut up and try and pretend I’m ok. I grew up in an abusive household, mentally and physically , everyday I went to school I didn’t want to come home even though I was bullied and an outcast at school at least there were teachers to sort of help me there rather than home where there was screaming, crying, violence, and pain. My only true friend I could trust to always be there for me was my german shepherd Zorro who had already saved me from dying before and would continue to do it countless times before he died at thirteen years old. My dogs always gave me reason to live because they wouldn’t understand if they woke up tommorrow and I was no longer in existence. And what would happen to them without me here to care for them? I’m twenty years old and already lost fourteen people from my life, people I loved and cared about, family and friends, but for every person I lost I lost countless more beloved pets. A few of the people I lost was to suicide, I wish they could’ve talked to me about it, maybe we could’ve pulled through it together…. I haven’t been too lucky in love either, I always love them get to know them completely only to have it not work out and the bad part is at the end of it all I just go “well that was a waste of 3 months, 6 months, a year” Now I just don’t even want to try. I don’t feel like anyone would possibly want me. What’s the point of getting up and getting dressed so that I can work , then pay all my money to bills and then not be able to make any headway? Whats the point of dressing up to look nice being nervous to meet someone falling in love just to have it ripped away and be left alone and all of it was pointless? What does it matter what happens to me ? Not like anyone would notice if something did…
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Although many things have gone wrong in your life, there is never a reason to give up. No matter how hopeless you may feel, you gotta keep going . Reading everything above shows all the true strength you have gained over the years and it’ll be a waste to just stop now. I haven’t had much luck in anything an I grew up in a similar way as you, you can get through this . You can talk to people on here. I’m always here to listen
I feel like I’m just running out of steam , I’ve been strong for soooo long and now I’m just tired. I just want to know what it feels like to be truly happy again, if I even ever was before. But thank you for the comment, its nice to be able to actually just talk about it for once.
Of course , I know , I understand , atleast I try to. It’s a hard thing to go through when your life has suddenly became a nightmare, you try so hard just to end up in the exact same spot . But you don’t realize how far you have really came to. Life is a constant battle with our own emotions which is why we never really win. You have to learn how to control your emotions and handle situations. Keep your head held up and when you fall down, don’t stay down. Pick yourself back up .
Yesterday I was doing good at the picking myself back up again and had been doing good for several months, then I realized it was a person in my life that had helped me out to bring me back to myself again (my happy self). We had been in a complicated relationship we both really like each other but he doesn’t know if we should date. I don’t know why but it sent me all the way back where I was three months ago. We weren’t even dating yet somehow it felt as bad as a break up and then I came back to my panic attack fear of “I dont want to die alone” . I guess I keep falling for the wrong guys or something but I am really starting to beleive I am just meant to never be loved and to die alone. I should just stop fighting that fact.
Okay, first, it’s a bad idea to ever rely on others for your own happiness. People will always bring you down, they will hurt you , but it’s not always intentional. Anyway, you have to think about yourself and worry about what you need, not what you want. You do not need a man to keep you happy. But of course I also understand heartbreaks are painful. They suck the energy out of you and you feel like your life is over. I’m not sure why we tend to think that way but dont let it get the best of you. Let him walk away, don’t chase something you don’t need. More will come and hopefully better. You just gotta keep going and don’t let anything stop you
I know I shouldn’t rely on others but unfortuanately its something I can’t help but do, this last time I didnt even realize I was doing it, and I think I was more hurt at the fact that I let myself do that again than the actual guy not wanting to be with me. I am letting it go as I always do. I know I’ll get over it and he won’t even really matter to me anymore in a awhile, given everything thats happened in my life I am really really accustomed to dealing with abandonment. I just need to find my way on getting myself better not for anyone but for me. It’s just really difficult to find a reason to better yourself when your struggling to find a reason to just even stick around at all
No time spent getting to know someone is truly wasted … if we learn what they taught us – even the worst, most abusive people who enter our lives teach us valuable lesson on how not to let ourselves be vulnerable to such things. stop counting the number of people to come and go – life isn’t a competition in that regard – numbers do not matter and there will be countless others that will yet come and go – some will contribute, some will help and some will hurt … kimmm is right about not relaying on others for happiness – they can only share it and either enhance or diminish the happiness we possess.
learn from the dogs … if you can’t eat it, fuck it, or play with it, piss on it and walk away like it never existed … dogs don’t hold on to the past, that why the most abused dog can be happy with a new human … there’s no history with the new human so it’s all new but he has learned what a bad human smells like and dog will avoid that smell at all costs.
… and yes – do it for the dogs 😉
nasal dawg
Additionally – and importantly – it’s the QUALITY of the people we let into our lives that is most important – not the quantity – and yes – we can experience addition by subtraction – subtract the negative and unhelpful people from our lives by distancing ourselves from them and we add a more positive outlook
addendum dawg
Echoing dawg:
“learn from the dogs … if you can’t eat it, fuck it, or play with it, piss on it and walk away like it never existed …”
Yup.
dogsrmyheros, you said:
“I am letting it go as I always do.”
Hmm. I’m not so sure that you are. At least it doesn’t sound like it to me. But I don’t know you, so I can’t be sure either way. See below for more.
“I just need to find my way on getting myself better not for anyone but for me.”
Like the dogs, learn to let go. Let go of family, let go of the past, let go of all relationships, just let go. I found that the only time good things happened to me in my life is when I let go of the *need* for them, and just let them happen as they will. My need just got in the way. My need made me susceptible to people who were no good for me, and made me cling to them even after they hurt me.
“It’s just really difficult to find a reason to better yourself when your struggling to find a reason to just even stick around at all”
Unfortunately, I can relate to this. If you and I both can find just one reason to better ourselves, then I know from experience that letting go *becomes* the reason to stick around. It doesn’t make any sense, I know. But it’s still true. For me, it’s just a matter of finding the strength to try again, and then let the process take over like it has before.
You know what? Writing that actually helped me. Thank you.