Reflections

I don’t know if I have a suicide story or not. I know I think about it often, and I wonder if it’d be better for everyone. Every mistake, every misfortune, every negative experience in my life triggers the thought, “I want to die.” It feels inevitable. I don’t mean to be selfish or think that my life is any worse than any other person. Life is a veil of tears for everyone. I understand that. But it doesn’t seem fair to me that we suffer so much. I didn’t ask to live. I didn’t ask to suffer. I feel like I’m being punished for existing, but I didn’t ask for it. If it’s such a privilege, if it’s so sacred to be alive, then why is it so terribly sad here? Why must we toil away toward imminent death? Why wait?

I guess, the reason I’ve found, the only reason that I’m still alive, is that if we’re going to die anyway, we might as well wait until we finally get some good out of everything. Most of life sucks. It’s true. But some doesn’t. Some things are wonderful and exciting. Some things are worth pushing through for. Now, I can’t promise I’ll last forever, because I’m not strong, but I do promise to try. And anyone else who feels like I do, like suicide is the inevitable, then at least wait with me a bit and see what you can get out of this life. Take a look at what is terrible in your life, and do something about it. Some things can be changed. Just remember, this is your life, and if you feel trapped by something outside of yourself, just get rid of it. Don’t waste your time feeling so trapped. But don’t jump to the end; it’s already coming too fast. Try to make some other changes first. I understand the want to die, but not all of the things we feel or want are healthy or good. Think about it before you do it.