The major part of my problem with life has to do with being trapped at the bottom of a building. Granted, that was in a WARZONE but little things beyond the DMZ force my mind back into that situation. Today, just as I was getting ready to go home, a security mechanism malfunctioned and I, unfortunately, got trapped in a cold, dark, silent space, two stories beneath a federally controlled building. Minor incident for you, one hour of after work annoyance for about six people, but one goddamn heartbeat too many for ME.
I am so fucking EXHAUSTED from trying to keep “it” together… It’s even more difficult to let my mind and body relax enough into a nap on my bed when someone with GOOD intentions feels they NEED to climb on me, ask me to get out of bed and hang out with a loud tv and rowdy dogs. I answered, no I’m tired. I just wanna relax… How awesome and noble of that person to return not three minutes later with not one, but two old Clonazepam pills, which according to my government issued doctors do nothing for my particular physiology… Then I, who remind them of this fact have my naturally occurring relaxation process INTERRUPTED by said person trying to shove these pills into my mouth.
Holy shit. And I’m just trying to keep my body in the ball I curled up on my bed in to get some sleep. But, I have no time to explain how good I did by maintaining my composure at work despite my PTSD rising, and how DRAINED I am from doing so.
I said, they don’t work and I’m not taking them for YOUR vanity. When asked why I refuse to take the pills, I repeated myself that they do not work for me and also I don’t have to because I can do that.
I sincerely hate being the cause of mouth corners dropping below the jawline, especially when accompanied by tears, but that was fucking selfish of them to physically try to force me into being someone else feeling something else.
Now, I’m in bed, still, my personal trauma issues shoved to one side, along with my grief and desire to just relax and take a simple nap… Instead I feel more agitated, tense, remorseful, regretful, guilty, angry, and otherwise unable to deal with MY PROBLEM WITH LIFE because now I have to nurse someone else’s ego and whatever their issues are at THEIR moment.
I haven’t killed myself because I have always been considerate of what even complete strangers may have to go through concerning my corpse BUT FUCKING HELL, when do I get to resolve my problems?!? Now I’m getting shit words and cold shoulders and icy stares and otherwise being BLAMED for this whole thing. I just wanted to sleep it off til dinner, but now I’M THE BAD GUY.
God damn this… I am telling you, I honestly don’t have the opportunity to cry.
Update: I left a short message for my doctor. I have to surf bad vibes until I hear from my psych. Yes, this is when life sucks for me.