I was 16 when I first attempted suicide. It was getting late, around 5pm on a school day. I didn’t go to school that day either, I skipped school to hang out near a lake by myself. Yeah… “super fun”. “I hated school, I hated friends, I hated family, I hated myself, I hated life, and I wanted to die” was what I spent the entire morning and afternoon contemplating about. Life. Death. Would anybody really care if I was to “disappear” the next day? I lay there, near the lake’s edge and on some clean grass. I was staring at this tree’s colorful leafs and how the wind moved the leaves to dance, sounds of leafs shuffling and the sun’s warmth on my body. It felted nice. I felt at peace. Time was ticking away and before I knew it, it was 8 pm. The sun was down and my vacation near the lake suddenly became a nightmare. It was getting dark out side, and I was getting scared, but I was more scared of going home, of having to live another day of skipping school, causing problems for my family, and pain to myself. I came to the lake prepared for the night. I took out a bottle of Grey Goose’s Vodka out of my backpack, and I took several sip straight from the bottle itself. It tasted horrible! Pulling out a cigarette’s carton from my jean, I lit myself a smoke to ease out the vile taste of alcohol. I spent the rest of several hours, trying to take down ever drop of vodka there was from that bottle, and there was a LOT of it.  I can’t remember much after that, except for the fact that I was on an empty stomach and was a first time drinker that was drinking heavily on an empty stomach. I passed out. Some officer that was searching for me, founded me and drove me to the hospital. My family did care, and they called the police to find me. My mom was crying, or so she tells me the next day when I woke up with the WORSE hang over of my life. It was an ill planned suicide, and I’m not sure how I would have planned to kill myself that night, too. I guess, I thought that if I was drunk enough, that I could roll into the lake and just drown. But that didn’t happen, I just passed out cold, and luckily got found by an officer. There is nothing worse than the feeling of a fail suicide attempt. I lay there in the hospital’s bed, seeing how much my parent had cared and the trouble that was made just for me. Worse feeling ever. Sigh… Life is still a pain.
4 comments
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That totally sucks. The root cause seems to be that school is horrible for you. I’m 41 and school was getting unbearable 30 years ago. We had this shop teacher who was awesome named Mr. Strobol. He was usually joking around making us feel better then one day he paused and asked the class “what’s wrong?”
He explained that students years ago seemed happy most of the time. That students would walk with their heads held high, say hello and laugh together almost constantly. Part of me wanted to say that “everything mostly sucks.” Mr Strobol pressed our class for a minute or two, to see if anyone had any ideas.
But no one did. Even back then, school had mostly sucked for all of us. Not like it does today; I guess it probably sucks 4X as much today. Anyway I am sorry, we sort of knee things were getting worse. Many adults will scoff that it sucked then too, but we didnt have the metal detectors and mass shootings then. Thanks for sharing a part of your story.
I used alcohol in my attempt at age 14, and I almost couldn’t stand the taste either. Getting my stomach pumped was pretty much the worst thing ever. (and, reading up on it now, there was no point, as it was hours after I’d ingested the pills and booze)
So, life is still a pain, but is it better now than it was that day?
Good comments. I might try suicide again this month, without fail hopefully.