I have never felt so trapped in myself… It doesn’t make sense to me. I’m the girl who won’t stop laughing and making silly jokes, everyone will laugh. I’m the girl who’ll save everyone from themselves and give them solutions for their problems, how can I not get out of this?
It’s been months, it’s been years and I’m still the same, I’m still stuck with myself… I’ve changed so many things and I wonder why these changes don’t seem to show.
My anxiety is up again… I’ve stopped eating which means I have to lie to everyone… I’ve started cutting again which means I have to hide. I have a loving girl by my side, society may be against us but I’m supposedly happy, I mean I’m with her, I’m happy. But then in the back of my head I can hear it… that little voice just saying “what makes you think she’ll stay when she finds out that you’re not perfect? I mean look at yourself you are preety far from perfection, she’ll figure it out preety soon”… and I try to ignore it, I just hug her close but that little voice just screams more and more… I try to drown it with singing, I try to move, I try to study, no matter what I do it’s there.
It only shuts down if I cut deep… If I pass out… but I want to stay… I want to stay here, for my sister, for my girl… I’m their rock because they don’t know how broken I’ve always been. At the same time I want to go… I can’t bear not being the me I don’t want to be…
My parents don’t know half of it… since I was outcasted for coming out of the closet I’m as good as dead to them. If I smile they just won’t ask… They won’t even bother pretending to care. Maybe I’m too good of an actress and that is my problem…
I just don’t know… what am I supposed to do? Stay and wait until it gets better? What if it doesn’t? What if I just wait while cutting my life away…? Is it better to stay and suffer or just go… I want to go…
2 comments
What do you think killing yourself will do to your friend? When one of my closest friends found out i was cutting and putting out cigarettes on my arm i killed her on the inside, i blame myself to this day you need to tell her, i cant imagine what would happen if i acually killed myself…. Tell her work with her society does accept you, and absolutely no one is perfect they will never be, but you can live a happy life
I can’t tell her… she’s already so sad with her own problems… I can’t burden her with my own. Everytime I try something happens… and I give up