I just want someone to talk to, but I’m afraid to say anything… I just… I just want to break down and cry all the time. There’s a smile on my face, but inside I’m all tears and blood and worthlessness. I want to ‘tell my story’ but I just don’t know how. How do I explain the despair I constantly feel? How do I explain the darkness within me? How do I explain the tears that fall just before I lay to rest, praying that I won’t have to face another day? The terror within always wins these battles, causing me to back down when I finally want to get out and say something. There are questions constantly going through my mind, but the one that stands out is “How do I overcome this fear of telling someone?”. That’s all I want. I want to be able to say something to someone. But I chicken out every time. I already go to counseling, because once, I was actually able to do it. To tell. But now? Well, that’s a whole different story. I go to a counseling session, telling myself that I will finally be truly honest, that I will finally tell her everything she wants and/or needs to know. But what happens when the first question leaves her lips? I crawl back into the black abyss that is my mind and refuse to come out. and I hate that. I hate myself for that. Why can’t I tell someone that I have these feelings? Why can’t I tell someone that almost every night, that shard of glass will come out of its prison and release that crimson liquid that takes the pain away? Why can’t I tell someone that every night, my last thoughts before I fall asleep is swallowing those pills, putting the gun to my chest, or putting the noose around my neck?
Why can’t I just overcome this fear of telling someone?
2 comments
I can’t say I know why you can’t seem to overcome the fear of telling someone. My wild guess is that people have judged you ignorantly in the past, and you don’t want that to happen again. But you can say whatever you want here, there’s nothing to be afraid of. You don’t have to get it all out at once, but I bet you’ll feel a better if you at least start small. Please get some of it out of your system…
I know how you feel…to have someone ask “what’s wrong?” and find yourself thinking of all the shit in the world that’s wrong, and yet finding yourself saying “Nothing, I’m fine”.
Like…you’re some kind of machine that can’t do something out of what is normally done.
I found out in one blessed, sweet moment that I couldn’t say it because when someone, anyone, asked me “What’s wrong?”…nobody really wanted to know what was wrong. They were simply saying it because it was customary and because it was the socially accepted thing to do when someone looked down. Nobody really wanted to know what was the matter.
That was until I met this friend who really wanted to know, and I found myself moved not by the words that friend said, but in the way it was said – the tone, the emotion behind it….
hopefully one day, you’ll meet someone like that and then, things will get better.