idk

I don’t know. I feel awkward writing this but I always feel better just to get things out. Lately stuff is all bothering me and I don’t know why I keep feeling so sad because my problems are so insignificant and I feel so guilty feeling bad because I shouldn’t. I try so so hard to do everything everyone asks and keep a smile on my face and help out but then when I ask something no one ever returns the favor. We do this thing where we all buy each other presents on their birthdays to make them even more special and I have to work all weekend to be able to afford these $40 presents that other families easily afford and then when it was my birthday everyone put their money in together and spent $10 on my each, I know that is so ungrateful it’s just I’d tried so hard for everyone else and it just didn’t feel ‘special’ when it was my time round. My mum and dad are really bothering me like I’ve had my whole life going house to house literally I stay at my mums house 2-3 nights and then my dads 2-3 nights and I just hate always having to carry an extra bag to school and people always asking me “what’s the bag for”, I just want to know how it feels to have one home, I tried explaining this to my mum and she replied with “you decide, he’s not my dad.” and it’s just putting so much pressure on my because I feel so bad and guilty if I don’t go to my dads house and making that decision. And I know I am so selfish I have two parents who are there for me and I feel so guilty for feeling this way it’s just really emotionally draining. My mum was diagnosed with anxiety when I was in year 5 and that’s about when she became really self centered, everything she does convinces her and not me, I am basically the parent in our relationship, I can’t go out on weekends because I have to stay home look after the dog and wait till she comes home drunk and tuck her in. It isn’t fair like I know she’s allowed to have fun it just annoys now. My dad has depression so when I go to his house it’s really hard emotionally he makes me feel so guilty. I once asked him what he’d do if I moved away and he told me “I’d probably kill myself” like I know it may have been meant as a joke but it still bothered me. Now my mum is saying she doesn’t want to drive me to my dads for easter (my dad doesn’t have a car) and I feel so guilty and horrible because we’re seeing her dad and mum and we can’t see mine. Like when she drives me to my dads she shouts “I HATE DOING THIS” like it isn’t my fault they broke up. But I feel so horrible right now and I have to let you all know they aren’t all bad like they try their best and I get along with them sometimes so please don’t hate them, like they broke up when I was one but they are still friends. I just honestly can’t stand everything I just want to run away or kill myself, just end it, but then I have too much guilt on how this will effect everyone. I don’t know why I feel so guilty all the time, I don’t eat meat anymore because I felt too guilty about the animals. I just feel ugly and fat and like I’m the least valuable member of my friendship group, which I know because they don’t even care that they’re losing me. I thought it would be like the movies and they’d come after me when I left but they never did and now I have hardly any friends, well I have friends but no ‘best friends’. Sometimes I just feel sad and I can’t stop feeling it and I feel like I’m alone in a void DOING NOTHING WITH MY LIFE. I am so worried about the future, I can’t just leave my mum and dad alone. I have no idea what job I want to do like I’ve been told from a child, no that doesn’t make enough money, be an architect you like that, no you can’t be a volunteer, an actor is unreasonable, how about a lawyer that pays well, I don’t even know anymore.

I just don’t know.

anyway these are my stupid feelings, basically just the bambling of a fourteen year old girl sorry if you read this whole thing, I’m sorry I feel sad etc because so many of you have it worse, sorry.