I have reached a point where life has no meaning.
In fact, this moment has been long in the making and all too obvious in it’s approach, but there was nothing I could do to stop it, because it is me. My apathy, my detachment from life has finally reached a peak and there is simply no motivation or efficacy left within me. I have never cared for people. I don’t need them, don’t particularly care for them, and often I have wondered what happened for this to come about. Perhaps the rise of narcissism. For if anything I can admit that I am selfish. Or perhaps self-centered would be more accurate.
Really there isn’t a reason for me to be writing this, but perhaps there is a part of me that isn’t detached, and I am still human, and if this life can be saved I would not hesitate. However I have little hope of this happening. This is simply a reflection I suppose.
Would I kill myself? I don’t know. I am rather adverse to pain and it seems rather troublesome. Living is a pain as well, though as I have done little but sleep lately, I am not sure if that can be counted as living. I have dreams, goals, things in life I wish I could accomplish, but the middle is simply a fog, and one I am reluctant to attempt passing, as I am not altogether sure it is worth it.
I have things that should make a person happy. I know these people care, but I really can’t bring myself to care..that they care. It is rather sad that of all people I am in this position, for I know many that could appreciate it much more than I could. And likewise, I doubt my mental state would change regardless of my position in life right now.
There is, of course, hope. But I tend to dislike the notion, as hope is something that leads people on, making them dance on the end of sparkling strings until they wear out and realize that there is nothing at the end of that hope, but more hope.
I realize this isn’t really a…suicide story. I could share mine and be more on topic (for I do have one), or perhaps address actual problems in my life, but at this moment I can’t bring myself to care about these things. Honestly, though some (or many) of you may hate me for it, I envy those with feelings, because just as you can feel sad, you can feel happy, and I honestly can’t say if I know what that is. I wouldn’t know happy if it hit me in the face.
I envy some of the people who have shared their stories, stories that in my opinion are quite petty (and I say this lightly, of course any issue depends on the person themselves and people place importance on different things), and just in stating that, I don’t really make my own person in favorable light of others. So really there isn’t much point in this, as per usual. It is not as if this has helped me or anyone who reads this.
Well I wish anyone and everyone a nice life. Or death. Whichever is preferred I suppose.
3 comments
I have been in your situation before. That wonderful plane of existence in which no emotion can reach and from which no tear can fall. Life was better there. Emotions muddy the waters of an otherwise concise decision making process. Logic begins to break down as your animal brain is flooded with a variety of messages. Your life becomes a constant fluctuation between a small set of emotional states which seem to have little pattern or logical underpinning – effectively out of your control most of the time. But like an addict, your brain will scream for more of whatever that chemical is that makes you feel “happy.”
As you say, there is no purpose to this nonsensical life anyways. But then again, what is the purpose of death? Why desire to feel emotions? I have answered this existential question with a simple response placed after the negation on all purpose in life, a response that I hope provides some flexibility within a nihilistic philosophy. The solution is: preference. Barring any objective measure with which to decide how to live a life, I feel that any system might be substituted in with equal “logical” validity as I currently see no method find a “better” logical system for living life in a purpose-free world.
But that just brings us back to where you probably already were. I die because I want to. Just note that a lack of purpose in life is not a justification. After all, the real “purpose” of life is reproduction, but there is no reason to consciously work towards it.
@suicidetalk
All too true. Apathy is not an issue in itself, in my mind, as I have come to a similar conclusion of doing things simply because it is preference or because I want to. “I am human, that is what I feel, and this is what I will do.”
However my problem at the moment is only that I have lost the will to pursue even the preferences that I do in fact wish to pursue, and to overcome the more pointless obstacles that are in place before those desires.
For me, that feeling comes and goes. It is hard to work your way up from the bottom of life even if it is what you prefer. It is hard enough to be happy when we have the motivation to try.
There are days I just want to give up and die. Sadly, killing yourself by sheer negligence is a difficult task. You will prefer eating to death before you are past the point of no return.