Im so scared..

I’m nervous and worried. Everyone says its alright, what’s the worst that can happen? But they don’t know. They don’t understand how hard it is to care. How there can be this wonderful person you care about and it still doesn’t take much to shut switch off. How its so easy to cry while I’m smiling. How much of an effort it all is. Everything I am, everyhing I’ve done to myself.. and they ask what’s the worst that can happen.. I could drag him down with me.

I’ve made a point of leaving people alone. I’m probably the strangest person at my school. They don’t know what to think. I’m not ugly or obese.. I’m not shy, I’m not mean.. I smile and joke and don’t give a shit about what people say..but I don’t talk. There’s only two people I talk with but they don’t know anything about me either.. and now there’s this guy. The old me could connect to his “you have to see the positive’s in life” outlook and his playful personality.. but he’s also calm and relaxed.. I’ve never really had much in comments with people but I like him.. and for some strange reason he likes me. Out of all the girls that flirt with him he comes straight to me and starts joking and being friendly. He keeps saying we should hang out.. that should be a good thing right? I want to.. it sounds nice to actually have someone to talk to and smile with and be around.. but I have bad depression. I’ve been to the hospital I’ve been in therapy. Tried meds .. I’ve cut and even tried to commit suicide.. I don’t feel good enough for him. I can’t talk with people anymore. I’m damaged and shut down and I’m going to drag him down.. wat if we do end up being in a relationship? Im going to bring him down. I’m going to be depressed and want to cry in his arms and I really don’t lie letting people get close..

This is such a great oppertunity to actually try to be happy but I still feel like crying.. and I’m scared and confused and there’s no one I can talk to about this because I don’t talk to people about my feelings I don’t know what to do..