I’m looking to my right, what do I see? I see a mother, who does little, and doesn’t even care about me. A mother that doesn’t give the slightest bit of care to a child that has to face loneliness wherever he goes…
I look to my left, what do I see? I see me and my phone’s reflection staring back at me, I see something that doesn’t exist, like the hope that I try to feel. I see lights in the distance of a small town. That’s nice. It’s too dark to see much of the world I hate. Just darkness. The darkness that hides the world but coerces my mind to think like it does.
I look in front, what do I see? Traffic hurtling along roads and I am praying for something to hit us and take away my life. I pray that it ends the existence I hate. I pray that the lights I see, will be the last I see. I pray that I will be another victim of an accident on a small, narrow countryside road.
I look everywhere, but what do I see? Nothing to keep me here, nothing to hold to me to stop me slipping away further. I see nothing, nothing worth being here for.
3 comments
Hello Darling,
Long time no bother eh? Have been sorta wondering about you. Awful lot of negativity here…sorry you are soooo down….again. Don’t panic…not here to do schtick with Rocketman…or discuss showers. Ummm….not really sure why I am here…to be truthful. But for the first time in months…I felt an urge to log on…and here you are. Fate? hahahaha
What have you been doing? Have you made NO positive changes? If not…how come? Seriously hun…you ARE creating your own reality. Not your physical reality…you’re not that powerful…hahaha…but your inner reality. If you are feeling so shitty….it is because your thoughts are shitty…correct? Just try thinking about something positive…and see how long it takes you to ruin it with negative crap. It’s like the angel and devil on your shoulders. You can always tell who is talking eh? How long has it been since the angel got a word in edgewise? Since Amy? Wow…I know you have the ability to love and be loved…your angel told me so…so why do you continue to listen to the devil and shut the angel out? SCARED??? Sorry…I know you’re scared…I am too…but you need to fight back…quit giving in and giving up. And no I’m not about believing it is actually an angel and devil…although it’s a cute idea…but merely the duality of your mind. You are what you choose to focus on.
As for your poor Mom…perhaps you should read an old post of mine. Nonetheless…you are a little old to still be blaming your shit on your mother…aren’t you? Parents are just as fucked up or more so than their kids….trust me…they are just better pretenders for the most part. It is time for you to grow away from her anyway isn’t it?
When we blame others for our misery…we give away our power and control of our own lives and minds. If it is always someone else’s fault? Then we are powerless to change anything! I’m not saying that if someone is abused…that it is their own fault. I’m saying that how they feel, think and act during and after the abuse can only be controlled by the person being abused. The abuser has no real authority over the victims mind. Oh bother….what the hell am I trying to say? If you blame someone else for your “problems”…then you become a helpless victim…don’t you? So then are you playing at being a victim of your “environment”? Why bother…just change it…in your own mind. POSITIVE THOUGHTS…about YOURSELF. Hard I know…but not impossible…please try.
Okay lecture over…and it probably makes zero sense anyway…when in reality…I would just love to give you a big old hug…chuck you under the chin…and tell you to keep fighting…a shame you are only fighting yourself though eh? hahaha I would know…and I’m such a miserable old thing for the most part…hahaha…but I haven’t given up yet…and neither should you.
Dum Spiro, Spero
Lots of Love
Ama
@Amakua2309 I’m blind and not on much so I didn’t see this… Anyway, I’m not the one affecting me to make me feel like crap, I may be the one having these bad thoughts but I’m as sure as hell not causing them. I have been so close to ending it all and not just once. I’ve very nearly made myself permanently homeless and I now have plans in place for that eventuality in case it should ever arise. (Which it may well do).
As for my parents, they are the largest factor of my suicidal feelings. Without them acting as they do, I’d probably be a lot less crappy right now. I have no respect or positive feeling for them most of the time. They just try and control me because they seem to fucking enjoy it. I spend every second of my time awake looking for something that could cause a positive change, and I am not seeing anything. And my mind looks for everything as I think everything through to an almost obsessive amount.
I am losing it, and by it I mean my sanity. At this rate this crap is just going to push me off the edge. I am trying, with all I have, just to gain nothing… Thanks for trying to help, but there’s not much that can do that at the minute.
Hey Amakua2309
Don’t know if you’ve seen londonbloke’s post on:
http://suicideproject.org/2012/12/159007/
But I saw that you guys were talking quite well before and just wanted to let you know in case you had lost the thread… I don’t think I could be much good on his post, myself.
Sorry I’m crashing this thread with something different…
Best of luck to you all.
Evelyn x