Well i have had these thoughts as everyone else here and have been to all the doctors. Thay say take this pill or what was your childhood like or you must have been molested and are blocking it out.
Well i was allowed to play sport and feed and clothed, schooled in canada and dont recall being molested.
I just want to know why i think the only way out is to end it and my life is good really just the thinking is rotten.
I have a supportive wife 2 houses car fulltime job all the stuff anyone could want but still the thoughts come that im not worth it and may as well end it.
It is driving me crazy and i have been fighting this for 35 years! I do ask myself is this as good as it gets when its pretty dam fine on paper and looking from the outside in.
Just want to know if anyone else is troubled in this way that appears to have it all at the moment.
Thanks for the time you take to read this, one thing i do is us the just for today i would stop living.
Maybe tomorrow it will be better.
Cheers 🙂
4 comments
I have had similar questions and thoughts.
Why when things, at least as seen from the outside, are ok if not good do the thoughts persist that I’m no good, the world is no good, and that I’d rather die than continue?
Like you there has been no note worthy trauma in my past and I have proceeded through the various milestones of life pretty much as accepted by society except for marriage and children.
My own experience has been that during the first half of life establishing myself there has always been a part of me that was sensed that my experiences were not matching up with my belief system – my expectations, life philosophy… (Even as, and maybe because, my life philosophy was not articulated, understood or fully conscious.)
Looking back I now know that I have spent a great deal of energy attempting to reconcile my experiences with my belief system by reframing my experiences. I was convinced (and was told) that the disconnect I felt was due to the problem with who I was. If my belief system didn’t conform to my experiences, I was the problem, I wasn’t seeing my experiences correctly. I can’t tell you how exhausting and depressing that is.
Eventually the scaffolding of my justifications for my belief system could no longer hold me and I came crashing down. Objectively I was doing well but my inner life, my subjective life, was a shambles and I was falling.
I’m not sure if we ever fully recover. It is not an easy task to confront ones belief system. The question of what it is that you really believe and can live by is extremely difficult as it is so tightly connected to ones identity, family and community.
The first hurtle I had to overcome was to learn how to accept my dark thoughts. It really isn’t helpful or worth it getting depressed about being depressed. Having dark thoughts because I had dark thoughts. I still get stuck in that place every now and then but am getting better at the amount of time I spend there.
I’ve come to realise that depression like fear is just trying to get your attention. My thoughts are just that and there is no need to attach my sense of identity to them.
Anyway I wish you well, thanks for sharing your story, I think allot of people will relate.
I will leave you with this last thought, something that I learn as I struggle in my fall.
The process of becoming is a process of constant dying and transformation. Letting go is a dying and my experience is that to the ego, identity dying is more painful than physical dying. So to me anyway it is no surprise that people would rather physically die than undergo the process of transformation.
(To the mind psychological pain is felt no different than physical pain, it may in fact be more painful as the reasons for the pain is more difficult to locate.)
All the best
I dont know if all the replies can be seen by everyone but if not im on my way to a good helpful solution i think, this counsellor has said i have neral bundles or loops i get stuck in and she is showing me some ways to step out of that mess and into a new learned thought loop to short my entrapment and hopefully be my love it than fuck it. Have a good one talk soon.
Yes I know how you feel. I have a lot and ‘objectively’ should be happy. Many would be ecstatic to have my life. Yet I always come back to wishing I was dead. It scares me that you’ve battled this for 35 years. I’ve only been struggling with it consciously for about 16 years. (I’m older than that). I don’t want to go on like this, and since I have no wife or children I believe I should take this chance to kill myself – to avoid another 10/20/30 years of this hell.
I have started to see a counsellor and she explained it as we have neral bundles and get stuck in the loop but there is a way to step out of this thinking and away from the idea that id be better off dead. Thanks for the comments at least someone read it and thats good for me to know that people really read these posts, im off to another appointment this morning will let you know what she comes up with. Cheers i believe i will get better or like my friend said fake it till you make it and i want to make it.