Ive tried to commit suicide more than I have tried most things in life…pretty much always hated life, always has been something. I realize that I just cant do it…I dont like the fact that I cant do it…its just the horrible joke that is my life.
So I want to know how to make it better with the things I have holding me back…and let me make this clear…My intentions in life were good…I had no dreams but their were things I wanted to do.
I am 24 now, I was 19 years old when I gave up on the career that I knew I would be good. The reasons are sound. I then spent two years trying to do something that was my last resort. Joining the military…I went from 286 pounds to 176 pounds and was in better shape than I had ever been. But my eyesight is to bad to join the military…two years and all four branches and nothing…I wasted those two years…not even imagining that I wouldnt get in.
Now…because of horrible choices I have made I am divorced with a 3 year old girl (whos mother wont let me see her any more that every other weekend), lost a girl I loved and who was having my second child. (yes i know its dumb) and she moved clear across the United States and wont let me have anything to do with my soon to be born child except child support…(Yes I very well know the legal options I have here, but I cant leave where I live because my daughter is here and I have no money to fly across country frequently.)
I have had multiple jobs since I was 14 but cant keep a steady job…the doctors have a list of disorders they tell me I have…Ive tried and am currently on some meds but nothing gets better after years of it.
Now Im on unemployement…bringing in just enough money to get me by…bills, child support that will soon be more when the baby is born…I went to college for a year or so but now owe them money along with the debt I accrued while being married….
I honestly dont want to even bother telling you the situations Ive been through throughout my life…weve all been there…I hate reading them.
Now I can get a job…thats for sure…but I am barely getting by on unemployment and this is 1200 a month…If i get stuck with a low paying job im screwed..if i somehow got unemployment for life…im screwed…with the extra child support I will have to pay soon I cant afford it..and this I do not try to live in luxory.
I just dont know where to go next….I dont want to go anywhere but I feel Im being forced to live. (and have felt this way since I was 13, this wont change..doctors, meds and counseling just wont change what I already know)
Religions out of the question…dont bother asking..
So what next? pretend its gonna work till i die? Just calculate in major depression, trauma and lack of a will to live along with debt and no completed formal training. (college is out of the question, I owe money on a loan so I cant get grants and I cant affor to pay off the loan.)