I feel so sad..all the time. I have a few friends but they go to a different school than me..but still I don’t feel like I can completely relate to anyone. I have no church…I was raised mormon and it really screwed me up in so many ways. I have trouble trusting anyone or anything. i have trouble making friends. People always approach me to talk..I guess I look normal enough but after a while, everyone goes away. They don’t want to talk to me because i’m so awkward and nervous all the time. I fight panic attacks, and i feel like i’m going to throw up when there are too many people around me. i just want to me left alone, but at the same time, i’m in desperate need of a friend..i want a hug, someone to tell me it’s going to be ok. someone to tell me there are answers to my problems. my parents love me, but i think they have mental problems..they don’t act like normal parents. i felt like i was raising myself growing up. both of them act like children and are slightly perverted. there was always alot of fighting in my house growing up. i’ve never met my cousins, one of my grandmas is dead (i never met her), my other grandma is schizophrenic, one grandpa is a racist, sexist asshole who never married my grandma, the other grandpa i have no relationship with either. IÂ don’t know any aunts or uncles. I don’t know. I just feel so damn alone. I live with my sister, but I feel like she doesn’t really care about me either. most of the time it’s just me alone. i’ve never had a boyfriend. guys kind of ask me out but i don’t like them or i get scared and back out. i’m afraid of commitment. I’m afraid i’m not good enough and that it’s selfish of me to get involved with anyone because then that person will have to put up with me and i’m apparently not very pleasant to be around. sometimes i just want to die but i’m too afraid to kill myself. i walk around and my life just feels like a hell. what is the point to all this mess, why put up with it if there’s no god. i have codependency issues, always trying to please. I don’t know how to stop. I don’t even care about the people i’m trying to please. I was majoring in nursing, but it was too stressful for me. I feel like i’m just going to be stuck in some cubicle one day all alone, slaving away for nothing. i don’t want this life. i just want to pack up and move, forget who i am and start over. i’m so sad. i block things out of my mind so easily. if its painful it gets erased. i just feel like an empty shell
2 comments
I grew up LDS too, why do you feel it screwed you up? If you want to chat, let me know 🙂
Religion seems to mess up more people than it helps. My take is that young people see the hypocrisy of those who spout on about this and that but rarely, if ever, exhibit themselves just what it is they expect you to somehow grasp. Turns young people off, as it should. Finding inner peace is a lifetime endeavor I can tell you that. In a world burning in its greed it is no wonder you seek a job or career beyond the cubicle. We long for meaning in our lives, but somehow other people are rarely able to provide what we need. There is music and nature, or whatever it is that turns your creative juices on, and yet those can still come up short. There are no easy answers to these questions of internal longing and we often wind up looking in what winds up being the wrong place. It is a predicament for sure.