social anxiety disorder

warning: contains mild cursing

social anxiety disorder really sucks. most of my symptoms have gone away over the past couple of years and i’m really grateful for that, but i still cannot live a normal life like seemingly almost all the people i know do. i’m also depressed, sort of. i know that if i didn’t have SAD at all that i wouldn’t let depression get to me. don’t get me wrong, i have friends and people i can talk to about things, but only serious things. unless i have something funny to say or i need to talk about something serious, i don’t really talk with them. just now i was talking to one of my better friends over xbox live over a girl i really like, and once that was done, there was a bit of an awkward silence and he actually said ”uh, i was expecting you would bring up some kind of topic” and i just said i needed to go and left. that girl is also kind of getting me down (not her fault), but that’s a different story.

one of my best friends is depressed and suicidal. just yesterday he texted me saying that he was going to kill himself either tomorrow (which is now today, and thankfully he hasn’t) or saturday (which is is tomorrow). he said i was the closest person to him (even though i never actually have conversations with him or anybody else, as i already said) and i talked him out of it. today he had so much bottled-up anger and emotion that he took a pen and stabbed himself multiple times in the arm and i had already left school so i didn’t have a chance to stop him.

tony, if you’re reading this, life really does suck sometimes lol. i’ve considered suicide a couple times in the past and now it’s an option again. honestly, people with problems far greater than mine will now start to tell me how grateful i should be for everything i have that they don’t, and i actually am. but just knowing that i will have to live the rest of my fucking life with this shitty disorder that totally handicaps me every time i’m in public really, really sucks. weed is easy to acquire around high school and i had an opportunity to try it today, perhaps it will work. replacing your shitty reality with a faux one doesn’t sound too healthy, but if it helps with this shit, then oh well lol. i really care less about a lot of things now.

not everything that’s on my mind, but it felt really good to say all of that. thanks for reading if you got this far and good luck with your own problems lol. hopefully they aren’t as bad as mine.