The Suicide Project

It sounds so like school or work, like a task something you have to do! I guess I wouldn’t be here if it was something I didn’t feel I had to do, right? So bravo for aptly naming this sight, lol. Thank you!

Why someone might ask, well maybe, at least for me it is just deserts. To me my whole existence has been a search for significance a reason to exist, and ultimately all I come up with is the ability to push people away thinking if I can remain unattached that I will never hurt. If I can remain aloof and unfeeling no one will try to get close.

Sure there were times when I would try to enter into relationships but would eventually get hurt so of course rather than show it I put the bricks back up each time making the walls more impenetrable. I listened to people who said they cared or loved me, even started a relationship with god, but eventually my old self came in and started to put the walls back up. I pushed everyone away, stopped talking and responding to efforts to help me. Shut myself up inside of me to the point I don’t know how if ever I can get out. Yes I see glimpses that maybe they really did care but I know “WORDS ARE CHEAP” (somebody told me that once when I sincerely did try to change) So I say ok I could say I’m sorry and apologize but would they accept it and forgive me? Who knows, I certainly don’t and am in such a dark place right now that it really doesn’t matter anymore.

I feel I have even pushed God so far away that I don’t think I can find him again, besides he is light and I am in total darkness and haven’t seen light for a very long time.

So as you are probably aware my final conclusion to significance is to stay here and be in darkness and alone to continue to see glimpses of people I have pushed away that I might have hurt, and forbid hurt any one else, I choose to depart on my terms.

Thanks for the page to express myself! Sorry for rambling! Hope those who are searching find their own significance!