I’m a first year college student studying illustration in MA. As an artist I hate my art and as a person I hate myself. I lie to myself everyday telling myself that I have any hope when in reality I have none. my art wont improve and neither will my future. Im just dragging myself down and everyone around me. Ive cut in the past and it almost sent me to the hospital. My mom found my razors a lot of times but she doesnt even care enough to stop me anymore. She doesnt even care about me. Nobody around me does. I can tell that they all would be better off without me. Ever since I started my senior year of highschool, suicide has seemed like the only option. At this point I’m all in favor of doing it. I dont see myself with any other choice.
Im in a relationship with a girl that I had chased for a while. Even she’s suicidal. I feel as though im trapped in this with her. Â When we’re together I feel so happy. Like I want to have a future and a house with kids. But then when we’re apart I weigh the chances of that happening and I see that theres no way. I want to be alone. I want to go alone. But I know that I cant because she’s so broken. I want her to be happy, but its too late for me. I dont want to be happy. I just want to die. I want to fix her. make her know that she doesnt need me. I want her to let me go and live by herself so that I can die and end it all. But until then I just feel trapped.
2 comments
You cant fix her. Not before you work on yourself. If you think about the future you still have hope! There are such good things in this life if we learn to accept and deal with the bad in healthy ways. Life will always throw miserable, cruel curveballs your way but i assure you people care about you and you have the strength to live. Remember humor? Remember sweetness and friendship? It exists. You can find it.
I would sure like to see some of your art.