I tend to feel dumb after seeing the psychiatrist.
“Recognize the areas in your life that are making you unhappy and CHANGE them.”
Sounds so simple. She has hope for me that comes from I don’t know where. (is it generic I-believe-in-everyone-who-pays-me hope?) I actually leave her office thinking maybe I CAN do something to get myself unstuck from this limbo.
Then I think about it. Can I sprinkle a little fairy dust on my insides and grow some self esteem? Can I make my ex wake up and decide he suddenly can’t live without me? No? Well then. As you were.
I got a prescription for the max dosage of Wellbutrin, though. CUZ MOAR IS BETTER. I told her I thought it was doing what it was supposed to be doing but I don’t know how to know if the dose is right… she said we could try a stronger dose since I had no problems with it. Whee.
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I think we all tend to have a lower opinion of ourselves than those around us. They seem to see us from a different perspective – a better one. Perhaps we should trust them more and become what we believe.
If you start thinking that you can’t make the changes you want to than I think you’ll find it more difficult than believing that you can.
Good luck,
Let me know how you get on =)
Evelyn
Thanks for the well wishes, Evelyn <3 It feels like there's nothing I can do about the things I wish were different, that I just have to learn how to live with the way things are. The therapist said she "won't let" me think that. Hmph. I know I'm better than I was a few months ago, when I was convinced I'm completely hopeless, all the time… vs. now when I'm kinda okay except when I think about things. I'm more distractable now. I'll have to stay on this drug forever, I guess!
I love your writing style, it’s very interesting to read. That is all. Bye.
Aww! Thanks, kittensarecute! (yes they are indeedy)
Typical empty witticisms to put people off. Maybe they worked back during Happy Days, between root beer floats and the Fonz pounding the jukebox as a reliable form of song selection.. They should check out the cleanly picked bones that were once Milwaukee, note the complete lack of saddle shoes, pleated skirts and happy days there. And try a few of their canned phrase while they’re between carjackings.
“Take life one day at a time,” is my all time favorite. “Just put one foot in front of the other,” gimme my prescription so I can get the hell out of here. “A lot of people are worse off than you,” let me use your desk phone to call security so they can help me pull my foot out of your butt after I’ve finished “counting to ten.”
Sometimes I wish I’d lived back then. I’m sure I’d have other things to whine about, though, no matter the period.
Good ones. Along with “you can do anything you put your mind to” and “think positive.” I do like her… I’m just glad she’s not the one doing the therapy. Someone actually did say the putting one foot in front of the other thing to me, but not in a patronizing way, it was what he was actually thinking during a difficult period in his life, and I’ve thought about his story since. “Just breathe.” …okay.
Fairy dust might be Unfeasible since I wouldn’t know where to procure it… But there ARE things you can do. You can leave you boyfriend, if he’s not givin you what you want . You can do things to build your self esteem. (Like leaving your bf… I don’t see how dating someone who isn’t that into it can be good for anyone’s esteem.) you said you did feel better temporarily after talking to your shrink. So I’m sure other things can also be effective
He left me, I just desperately want him back, even though it’s been ages 🙁 It’s pretty pathetic. He’s not abusive or anything. He’s a good guy. I know I’m supposed to think “there’s someone else out there for me” but I can’t, for various reasons. He tosses me enough scraps to keep me on the hook so I tell myself he might change his mind someday… at least that’s one reason not to commit suicide? (a shitty reason, granted) I felt like shit after the first time I saw this doc, in January. At least now I feel a little bit of hope before I kill it again. You’re right, though, I do need to shift my focus. It’s just so difficult.
Finding self esteem is definitely a journey and I don’t think anyone finds it immediately. I think it’s one of the harder things to do – to convince yourself you have value after a very long time of telling yourself otherwise.
That said, I don’t think your ex is good for you, Sad. He had his own set of issues, ones that allowed you to be slightly complacent about your struggles. The idea is not to remain broken and settle for the lowest thing you can find, it’s to fix your broken areas so you can have something that’s satisfying to both of you.
Yeah, it is. I just can’t believe that EVERYONE has inherent value… that all life is valuable… so why should I think I am special? I can believe that I am, or not, but whatever I do, there is some universal truth of the matter that I’m unaware of.
I know you’re right (well, except about the “lowest thing” bit). Sigh. I actually brought up something you said that I’d been thinking about to the therapist but I didn’t explain it that well, she didn’t follow. Something about being broken in the same way and two wrongs making a right. It wasn’t as eloquent as how you’d put it, obviously. Of course, as a therapist, she’s all about “fixing all the issues.” I also said I’d be better off if I could just accept being alone and make peace with it, and she wouldn’t have that. ARGH.
I am trying to be stronger in regards to contacting him. Letting more time go by in between, letting HIM be the one to initiate contact, fighting the urge to comfort and reassure him… and completely avoiding his online hangouts. I expect in time we’ll just grow further apart naturally… I’m not going to be “in his face” wherever I can to try to win him back or some shit. I have to respect his decision, much as I don’t understand it. Anyway. Thank you for weighing in 🙂
I know its hard, but maybe to get over your ex, you need to cut contact entirely. It’s well and good to want to stay friends, but of you’re always thinking of when he will call, he’s always in your mind, well you’re never going to move on. Tell him you need a break for 6 months. Delete all his emails and texts so you don’t endlessly torture yourself with te reading things out of context. After a 6 month break you might be ready to be friends but your not ready yet
I don’t think I really want to get over him. If I were serious about it, you’re right, I probably would need to cut all contact. But it IS very distant contact now… texts & email only. No talking, no seeing each other. Once in a while he says he misses me. I’ve made it very clear I want to see him (and I’m not going to keep saying it), so, really, if he misses me so much, why doesn’t he want to do anything about it? I’M RIGHT HERE. Argh. I don’t think I’d be able to behave as a friend only so I guess it’s right that we don’t see each other. I can’t stand the thought of never seeing him again, though. Maybe as more time goes by and we have less and less contact I’ll be able to accept that possibility.
I can’t delete the old emails but I can’t look at them without completely losing it, either (I’ve stopped going there). Siiiiiigh.