I posted this on SF yesterday but got no responses, so I’ll try here… I don’t have an eating disorder but it could appear that way, so TRIGGER WARNING.
For the past 18-19 years I’ve restricted, off and on. Mostly off, with only brief periods of decent weight loss. I’ve read about eating disorders and watched movies & videos… I know enough to know I don’t have one. I thought maybe I was EDNOS for a while, but after posting on another forum, a girl called me out on it and pointed out that because I said this-or-that, I really wasn’t… and I could see she was right. That was a few years ago and since then I’ve accepted that I simply mimic some of the behaviors when feeling stressed or depressed. It’s a coping mechanism.
I’ve never been hardcore for long enough that anything ~bad~ happens, physically. This time around it’s been 7.5 months. I’ve read about electrolyte imbalances, and how the body starts eating itself for fuel… and I think, okay, well, if that’s happening to me, I can’t even tell, so who cares. I’ve had some constipation and diarrhea, nothing majorly annoying. I drink a little extra water so as not to get muscle cramps. I still get my period though I wouldn’t care if I don’t, I’m nearly too old to have kids and that’s just… not happening anyway (kinda one reason I’m depressed). I’m still 7 pounds shy of my goal weight, which I’ve been at before (as an adult, though many years ago) with no repercussions, so it seems like that should be a safe enough weight. There are certainly people skinnier than me out there who aren’t dropping dead. Not to mention people with actual eating disorders who aren’t!
I don’t really know what I want to happen. Since I started having suicidal thoughts, I thought I needed to reach some kind of bottom to turn things around with my depression and maybe start to get better… or to not. Life or death. (I tend to see things very black & white… and yes I want to control what the bottom is if I can) For a while I wanted to get a gun, just to feel what it’s like to have such power in my hands…maybe that would be some kind of cathartic moment. I still want that but I’m unable to get one for the time being. So, I guess I’m thinking maybe my bottom could have something to do with losing weight. I have all these rules that are supposed to help me cope with things, make me obsessed with food and with being in control, but they’re not working as well this time, and sometimes I just get so fed up I think I want to be done with it. I’m tired. And yet… I don’t want to give it up. Not if I get nothing in return. Not if it doesn’t all MEAN something. And certainly not if I haven’t even reached my goal! I’m in therapy for depression, and I’ve talked about my behaviors a little bit with the therapist but I downplay things because I don’t feel ready to give it up and I’m afraid she’ll somehow “make” me. She’s noticed I’ve lost some weight, though. Really the weight comes off pretty slowly — it’s like 3 steps forward and 2 back — so it’s not a huge noticeable difference unless someone hasn’t seen me in a while.
I got dizzy many times yesterday, like 5 or 6… once it felt like I was about to pass out, like I’d started to but then woke up instantly or something, I couldn’t move and saw stars and all. I had a meal Friday night and had only nibbled since then, until last night, when I had pizza — and it even happened after I ate! I wonder what’s going on. I’m also on meds that can cause dizziness but this is more than usual. If you’re curious… I’m 5’7″ and 107 pounds, my goal is 100. The highest weight I’ve ever been was 145, about 2 years ago. I lost 20 pounds without even TRYING over a few months after going through some stress at work and by the end of 2011 I was 125. That’s the weight I was at in July when I got depressed and had to start the weird eating thing again. I go walking most nights but for less than an hour, and I go hiking sometimes…never been obsessive about exercising.
My question for you guys… those of you who have had health problems or just bad things happen to you as a result of bizarre eating… what can happen, really? Am I destined to pass out at work and alarm my poor coworkers? (I’d be fine passing out if I’m home alone, I don’t want to worry or burden anyone) Or – worse! – could I completely lose control of my faculties and have an embarrassing accident at work? Does it just stop at dizziness usually? I’m not supposed to eat again ’til Friday actually I have to eat tonight, so only one day of not eating ’til Friday… If I could just drop dead, that would be fine, I think that’s part of the reason I do it… it’s the other less-than-death maladies that worry me. And by the way, I consume calories every day, so when I say I’m not eating, I’m not TOTALLY starving. I just have like coffee and milk…sometimes coffee drinks with extra calories. And water for my kidneys.
Please feel free to share your experiences, even if they’re a bit off topic… I’d rather hear from real people than read textbook websites listing worst-case scenarios. Thanks if you read through all that!
8 comments
Sometimes if you get dizzy it’s usually becus you have a low sugar balance. Meaning your body intake of sugar is lower than expected. So if youstart feeling lighteheaded you should eat something sweet.
gd luck.
I’ve heard obesity can lead to diabetes, I wonder if being underweight can lead to similar icky conditions. I do usually have something sweet around, but if it’s a day I’m not supposed to eat I won’t want to eat it… I could do a coffee drink with sugar in it though 🙂
Thank you
i don’t think that the weight your at is a good thing because being under weight can cause health issues. also i think you should have something to eat everyday so you don’t feel as dizzy and all of that stuff. i have gone a while without food or drink before and passed out and it is not fun and being alone when it happens is worse because what if you can’t get back up or even move? its just a lot better to have something to eat rather thatn nothing at all.
I’m more successful if I go without, though. It’s like, once I eat one thing, the day is shot and suddenly I’m eating like crazy. I need to get better about that. I know that’s the body’s natural response when you restrict but I want to trick it I guess? Mind over matter. If dizziness and passing out occasionally is the worst of it I guess that’s not so bad…
For what it’s worth, from my understanding is that your body will compensate for the lower caloric intake and reduced BMI. Be careful because it would be easy to slip into an ED, restricting becoming AN. Heart problems and kidney issues are common from hypokalemia, so you may need to take potassium supplements such as K-Dur. It may affect your reproductive cycles. BN is far worse for your system. AN has the highest fatality rate for mental illnesses. I know a bit about this because my friend has struggled with AN and BN for far too long already. Talk to your doctor.
I don’t have a doctor. I do have insurance, I just never go to the doctor. My therapist said it sounds like I’m on the brink of an ED, at the very least… I disagree. If it was going to take hold, it would have done so already, long before now. I’m just a little girl playing dress up in that arena. Yeah, bulimia is not appealing to me at all… and it’s more detrimental to your health in obvious ways, like eroding teeth enamel and the lining of the esophagus… no worries there, I can’t even make myself throw up anyway. I hope your friend will be okay :\
SadBk: Thanks. I’m still hopeful but fairly realistic about it all, too. It’s a coping mechanism for MDD.
My girl’s ideal is the same as yours and she’s about your height. With her last MDE she dropped down to maybe 80 lbs. It’s pretty scary because she was underweight to begin with.
The thing about ED is that it takes you by surprise. I get the impression, from my friend, that she really thought she had control over it until one day in her late teens she realized it was the other way around. It’s an easy thing to fall into as a teen, so for her she’s been struggling with it for over 10 years. The MDD has never gone way, but instead the ED has grown over it like a second skin; so now she has two major beasts to wrestle with daily. There are other things that have grown on top of that too, but you get the idea. It gets to be a complicated chicken and egg problem.
I’m sure she could tell you all about the patterns and the physiological aspects. One thing about EDs is that the OCD makes them good observers. While she denies her body, she’s aware of it too: it leads to all kinds of funny distortions.
Take care of yourself.
Namaste.
Thank you Gabe… it probably sounds like I’m in denial, but that’s not going to happen to me. For one thing, I only have “situational depression,” which to me seems kind of like fake depression (especially at the moment when I’m more numb/okay than sad)… the doc & therapist say it’s real enough. I like the meds I’m on and want to stay on them forever if they’re what’s keeping the despair at bay. I suppose there’s an aspect of OCD involved… with other, harmless things too… but again I don’t have it anywhere near as bad as she does, from the sounds of things. And I’ve never weighed less than 98 pounds as an adult.
I guess I’m just… terribly mediocre, when it comes down to it. I know I CAN give up any of the behaviors, I just have no reason to. No reason that makes sense to ME, anyway. I LOVE the powerful feeling I get when someone is envious of my size, or even better, tells me I’m TOO skinny. The therapist says if I had more self esteem I wouldn’t need that kind of attention, I would be happy with attention I get just for being me. That makes no sense to me. Who gets any sort of extra attention for not doing anything special? (er, unless they’re one of the ~beautiful~ people, which I, unfortunately, am not)
Babble babble babble… anyway… you are a good friend. It must be so agonizing to see her go through all that (I think I’ve seen some of your posts indicating that yes it is 🙁 ) Hang in there and take care of YOU.