Hi,
I’m a suicidal teenage girl. I’ve read some posts on this website and some of them have shed some hope on my situation, others are just very easy to relate to. I have depression, anxiety, insomnia, and OCD. For the past few years I’ve gone from having mild suicidal thoughts to having full blown plans of how I’m going to end my life. I was hospitalized last year because I told my therapist I was suicidal. The hospital I went to was awful. I really don’t want to go back, and I know if I tell my therapist how severe my desire to kill myself is, she would baker act me for sure. I feel very trapped and hopeless. If I kill myself, I fuck over my family and the people who love me, but if I don’t kill myself I’ll continue to live like a zombie. I go from feeling extremely anxious and restless to feeling very numb and unreal. Sometimes I feel both ways. I’ve become addicted to hurting myself (specifically cutting) because its the only way I can either release the tension building inside me, or remind me that I’m still alive and that I can feel. I don’t want to go on living like this. It is so ridiculously difficult for me to just get to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. I don’t know what to do or who to tell this to. I haven’t told anyone any of this except for my therapist, but I sugarcoat everything when I talk to her. No one knows I’m still cutting or having suicidal thoughts or any of that stuff because I don’t want anyone to know. If they did, they would be up my ass and going through my shit like when I was hospitalized last time. I see absolutely no way out but suicide, but I don’t want to hurt anyone by doing that, and I know it will. I guess this was mostly a rant. If anyone can relate or has any kind of advice, please share. Thanks for reading this, and stay strong.