He’s gone, and will never come back. That, I’m sure of. I almost don’t care anymore, regardless of the 21 years we spent together. It’s still such a shock – such an emptiness. The fact that he’s blaming me for everything, that he believes I’m far more ill than I am, is disconcerting. It makes me doubt myself, all the time.

I’m cold. I’m almost always cold. I sleep alone. I get up alone, I live in near silence, and fear. Where will I go, how will I get there, what will I do?

I gave up so much for him, a career, the ability to have children. Now, he blames me for the “thousands of little sacrifices” he made, and I now see some – but why didn’t he tell me? I don’t read minds. I told him of my unhappiness, hoping he would understand, and reach out – but instead, he found someone else.

I want to die. I do. I tried – three times – but then, I made a promise to someone who I worry about – that I wouldn’t kill myself until after the divorce is done. I made that promise – because, if I do kill myself before the divorce is done, my ex will sue this man. And he would.

But as soon as the divorce is done – and this man feels that then, there’ll be no need for suicide, and thus, he’s kept me safe – then, the promise is ended, and I’ll die.

I have no one left. I’m reduced to begging for help. It’s humiliating. I have people who will help me – who do help me – but it’s humiliating.

What I want, what I really want, is for him to be happy, and to be warm again. That’s all. Neither will ever happen.