I am completely alone, all day every day, unable to do anything because I feel so sick, in unbearable pain, unable to think or concentrate at all. Even just writing this is taking so much out of me. Oh, and the air conditioning’s been broken all week so it’s 90 degrees in the house.
I have literally just been laying in bed in the dark in the same position the entire day, doing nothing at all except trying to survive and occasionally crying because things are so unbearable. I don’t think there’s anyone who cares at all.
I literally just cannot do this anymore.
I’ve been suicidal for years and have struggled a lot with trying to muster up what it takes to actually go through with it. But today has been a horrible day, and I honestly think the ONLY reason I didn’t finally go through with it today is because it’s my brother’s birthday. (And I think that might scare some small part of me that wants to live a little bit. Though I really wish it didn’t, because I can’t suffer like this anymore, I really, really can’t.)
I’m writing this here because there’s not a single person in my life who cares, I have no one else. How pathetic is that? At least it means very few people will suffer if/when I finally kill myself.
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I care if you live or die, even though I don’t know you. I believe you are worthwhile and precious even if you don’t. But I know that doesn’t help and that it’s excruciating to try and survive in this world. I hope you decide to stick around. Email me if you want to talk sometime: 201206346@panthers.greenville.edu
I know this feeling, when you think nobody cares about you. In such moments, we look to all directions and can’t find a single person prone to help us to escape the hell we are experiencing. But I invite you to think a little more about how much those who know you could suffer from your death. Is that really worth? I’m not trying to make you suffer even more by staying alive, but think carefully before taking the final step.
All is doom and gloom. I can tell it is very dark where you are now; hardly a ray of light shed. Your life is hell and you are hungry for affection. You need someone to care that there’s an invisible raged dog ripping to shreds the very core of your being. That is your current state. You don’t want to try to reach a higher state? You’re so far under the water, you see no light from above? Time to stop moving? What’s so unbearable that you can’t fight it? To reach a state of paralysis? Does what’s keeping you down deserve its victory? Do you really want to forfeit? Do you appreciate none for what you have? Life is a gift. Yours has your name on it. How can we deserve good things and deserve none the bad? Your state now is not forever. You want love? I offer myself. There’s a God and He offers Himself. You draw near to Him, you will find Him. Acknowledge Him as if He was really there with you now. I want you to be fulfilled.