I have never felt so depressed and alone in my whole life.
I’m 18 years old, and a senior in high school.
I should probably write out why I’m feeling this way, in hope that someone can help me.
I can’t help but notice, that the voices in my head are getting louder. Every second, all I can hear is ‘kill yourself.’ It just keeps repeating and repeating.
A lot has happened in the past six months. I lost my virginity, well forced to lose it. I said ‘no’ but I guess that wasn’t a good answer.
He became my boyfriend after we thought I was pregnant. It ended up being okay, but I spent 3 terrible months with him. I guess I though ‘having sex’ was a normal part of a relationship, but It was everything the relationship was revolved around. He broke up with me, tried to get back together with me.. And when I said no, he turned everything on me and basically said I was all of his problems. Great feeling, huh?
In the mist of all of this happening, my ex boyfriend starts talking to me again. This started making me really happy. I never got over him. And things seemed really, really great for once. But after awhile.. I started getting really, really sad again.
I’m just starting to realize what a worthless person I am. I love people so much, and I just let then treat me like I’m nothing. I don’t know what to do to make myself important. I’m just hurting from the inside out. I Feel like their are hands wrapped around my neck and they just keep getting tighter and tighter. I feel like I’m just going to suffocate. I just want to die. I’ve tried to kill myself before, it just didnt work out. I’ve struggled with depression my whole life, but is this really just depression? I feel psychotic. I just want to hurt myself. I just want to take knifes to my skin. I don’t wanna eat anymore. I wanna puke and burn myself. I don’t just wanna die, I want to hurt myself physically. I feel like I’m screaming and nobody even notices me.
I’m nothing. I don’t even want to be remembered anymore. I just want to be forgotten. It won’t take much effort.
I don’t really know what’s wrong with me. I don’t really know what’s exactly wrong. Maybe I just need people who actually care about me? But I don’t think that will ever happen.
I just want the voices to stop. I feel so sick. I don’t just want to kill myself when things could be different.. I just know they won’t be.
3 comments
On the issue of needing to feel important: Don’t; you are not important and neither am I or anyone else. Here is something my mother once said on the subject and she was a very wise woman:
“All things die in the end and are ultimately of no consequence; that’s what makes the whole thing worthwhile. However long we might last, it will be an insignificant blip viewed from afar, as small and inconsequential as the life of a mayfly. On the upside you needn’t worry about doing any real harm or good. That’s freedom, which, sadly, can be scary.â€
On the new rapist/boyfriend: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM.
On the old one: Talk to him about all of this.
On the latter: We all have our inner voices. Something from your tone though strikes me that you are not saying everything here. See a doctor if you need to, if these really start to feel like something other than yourself because they may well be. They are not supernatural; don’t get caught up in that. I had a friend in HS who developed schizophrenia and it turned out to be utterly controllable with fairly mild medications. I don’t know if that’s your issue at all (but you are at the age when it typically manifests itself) but even if it is there is a huge range of severity to it and sometimes it can be little more than a nescience if treated properly and in a timely manner. Also don’t let this freak you out either, I don’t know enough about the subject to diagnose you and you haven’t said enough to do so even if I was. Your reference to feeling psychotic struck me though. There was earnestness about it and I feel like you should at least try to cross the possibility off your list.
Feel better and hang in there. Take the steps you need to keep from making things worse and your whole perspective on the subject may change.
Hi Bearhugs,
Okay, I don’t know what it is like to be in your shoes, but i can tell you I was raped in high school, (twice), and I cut my arms and tried to kill myself. Looking back at it now I can see it was all about other people’s problems, other people’s sickness, other people hurting me.
I was just reacting to being hurt.
You sound very sweet and sensitive. You just want to be out of the pain and confusion. But please hang on and get out of high school. This boy who forced you – that is not the act of love – he hurt you and then blamed you. Thats bullshit Bearhugs. You are better than him. And maybe better than this other boy, well you havn’t said enough about him to understand what the situation is with him. But what’s clear is that you are very unhappy right now.
Try not to cut or hurt your self. You are just trying to find a way to cut the pain. Listen to music you like. Be yourself. Do what makes you happy. Don’t listen to ANYONE (including family) who tells you otherwise. Fight for what you want, go where you want to go. When you get to those places, you will find other people like you. High school is just random people shoved together.
Don’t let other people define you or tell you who you are. That is such bullshit. Sorry, my word of the day! But I let people tell me what to do before, including my parents and it was a mistake. I have only been happy when I have done what feels true to my heart.
You sound really really sweet. Please hang on. It can be okay for you. There are so many people out there. People who are sensitive, and deep, though you may have to look a bit to find them. They are there. Be careful who you chose as a friend or lover. Don’t jump in headfirst. Check them out first. Make sure they like you for who you are. (Lots of people will use and hurt people – just take your time and be careful.)
If you go to college you will meet a lot more people from different backgrounds, different countries who may be a lot more open minded and interesting, and truely interested in you. (Though of course there can still be shitty people there too!) Just try not to lose heart.
Hope this helps. I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much. That’s probably the best thing anyone has said to me in awhile. Brought me to tears. Thank you