@noonoo12 Well, I wanted people to think I was “taking a break”, and then when I killed myself they’d just think I never came back. They’d never know. Even if someone thought to eventually email me or drop a comment, they could assume whatever when I didn’t respond… they wouldn’t know.
I COULD go back to it now since I pushed the plans back to January, or maybe never… but it feels poisoned to me. And the people I’ve collected over there wouldn’t like me now if I was honest… and I’m sure they were all judging me… it’s just better for me to stay away. I miss some of the people but I remind myself that was the old me >.>
That’s quite a considerate thing to do. You’re thinking of others, despite your current position.
How have you changed since then? To have changed to have become a completely different person?
@noonoo12 I just hate the thought of anyone feeling bad because of me in any way. Probably the main reason I’m more passively than actively suicidal.
I wouldn’t say I’m completely different. But I’m weird about some things…okay, a lot of things. Being on there felt unhealthy in a bad way, like a I-don’t-want-to-do-this way and not a I-like-this-even-if-it’s-bad-for-me way. I used to be a fun person. I would write about fun things I don’t care about anymore, like TV and movies… music… baseball… I’d post silly polls or internet memes… also about things going on in my life… but, what do you write about when your life is over? Death. Doom and gloom.
My last posts were about depression. I had a “skip this post if you’re tired of depression talk” tag and always gave people an out at the beginning, like “don’t feel like you have to read this” – I don’t like dragging people down. (maybe that’s why I like it here – we’re already down?) I made a few casual references to suicide, but nothing since actually becoming suicidal. One poor girl said she was afraid when she saw a post from me, that it would be a suicide note. And she’d be relieved when it wasn’t. I felt bad about that! I promised I’d never do that. She probably thought I meant never kill myself…but I meant I wouldn’t post a note like that.
So, I’ve had it for 8 years, I’m not going to delete it or anything… maybe things will improve and I’ll feel like going back… I think of it fondly, unlike my Facebook which can rot in hell.
Jeez I babble a lot. And now I’ve really outted myself if anyone from that site hangs out here. I doubt it but you never know…
A lot of people feel like that. I for one do too. I don’t like judgment so I act like a completely different person to who I am. Because that way, it’s not me who’s being judged. I think I’m sort of both passive and actively suicidal. Like when shit goes down – that’s when I’ll try. And then all the other times I’m just passive. It’s stupid but I don’t know, it’s what I do.
What changed in your life to make you feel suicidal in the first place?
And what kind of audience did you have to your posts?
You sound as if you think you’re a burden to people. It’s your post – you shouldn’t have to apologise for it – they probably came to see what YOU wrote. 🙂
I think you’re being very thoughtful of others, but I’m sure they’d like to hear what came of you.
I do hope you get to a stage where you feel well enough to go back.
It sounds interesting.
I like your “babbling” it’s intriguing. 🙂
And I kind of hope that one of them is here. 🙂
@noonoo12 Ah, that’s a good self preservation trick you have. I don’t like being completely fake, like I don’t pretend to be happy when I’m not, but I’ll pretend I’m more okay than I am at times just to keep the peace and not worry anyone. Most people are easily fooled. I do wonder how many of THEM may be fooling ME the same way…
It sounds cliche but it was my boyfriend dumping me. You’d think I’d be used to that shit by now but it had actually been so many years since I’d cared enough about anyone that I’d forgotten how devastating it is. I always overreact to abandonment and rejection. And all these months later I’m still so ashamed. In reality, people probably don’t judge me the way they do in my head, but… I can’t shake the feeling.
I had a lot of “fandom” friends on there (fellow nerds), so some of them wouldn’t respond to my life posts, but it was nice to find that some did and we bonded on a deeper level. I even took a trip overseas to meet a couple of them… that was cool. But they only post on FB now, ugh.
I DO feel like a burden to people, you’re right. My therapist hasn’t really figured how to get me to NOT feel that way yet. I understand why I do but it doesn’t help undo the feelings.
Thanks, you’re very kind 🙂 I’ve heard from a couple people over there, and apologized for kinda ditching them, said I didn’t know if I’d be back or not… most of them probably don’t even notice. People do tend to wander off to other sites.
I would have a note – actually, several personalized notes – but I wouldn’t post one online like that. For one thing, a few of them knew me in real life, and plenty of them have my name and address from Christmas card exchanges and stuff. So even if they were far away they might feel like they have to do something. For another… talk about worrying people and bringing them down! No one wants to read that. That’s what SP is for… haha.
Nah, for me – it’s better to be completely fake. People don’t ask questions that way.
And you’d be surprised how many I think. All of my “friends” put masks on. It’s become normal. Quite scary actually.
I don’t think people do get used to things like that. I’m absolutely terrified of abandonment (never been rejected – never put myself in a position to be) and betrayal. It sucks fucking balls. I don’t think people ever truly get over it. There’s always a remnant of sadness or anger. Are you medicated at all?
In which way do you feel like a burden? Do others do things for you? Or do you just feel like burden for being a part of their lives?
It’s pretty cool that you went and met them – shitty though that they only post on Facebook now though. Have you tried to contact them another way? Or to arrange another trip?
People will remember – you’d be shocked how much.
Why wouldn’t you have notes online?
People would be interested to know. But yeah you’re right – that is what SP is for. 🙂
@noonoo12 It’s polite to do it to some extent. Like when someone asks how your day is going, you say “fine,” not… “I’ve been having suicidal thoughts all day.” That’s just awkward. (er, unless you’re in therapy or with someone you’re really close to?)
I always think I’m going to protect myself more, but then someone ~perfect~ comes along, I get carried away and overconfident again, I’m SO SURE that this time it’s different. *snort* It’s really pathetic. But if it’s not really intense really fast, I don’t want it. I’m very all or nothing. I know it’s wrong.
I’m on Wellbutrin. It seems to have taken care of the negative monologue in my head. Probably another reason I’m only passively suicidal. Like, logically I know I “should” kill myself, but without the emotion backing it up I don’t feel compelled to do anything about it.
I’m very self-sufficient so I make sure I’m NOT a burden to anyone. I will listen to friends vent about their lives, but I can’t do it myself. Even though *I* don’t feel like *they* are a burden when they talk to me. One friend really wants to do something for me because I help her out with stuff… but I don’t need anything from anyone, I don’t know what to tell her!
I wouldn’t want to go see them now since we haven’t really talked in a few years. I’ve thought about visiting someone else, someone who really wants to meet me and who’s been there for me (online) this whole time… but… I can’t, at least not right now. I think it might be a disaster. I’d only want to go if I’m feeling “fun” again.
The problem with posting suicide notes online is that you have to do it beforehand. With actual paper notes, it’s over by the time anyone reads them.
I do that crap – but I say I’m good. I’m not in therapy. And my friends aren’t particularly close. Fine means they still ask.
I think everyone does it. Well optimists anyway. Maybe this time it’ll be better. Maybe he wont fuck me over this time. If you didn’t do it – you’d get nowhere. So maybe it isn’t such a bad thing. Eventually you’ll find what you’re looking for. 🙂 That “overconfidence” sounds like faith in the relationship, so I’m guessing it’s not you who ends it.
Does it make you feel numb? I’m glad the “monologue” has gone either way. You should try smoking weed every now and then too. Or don’t if you’re not into drugs.
My sentences don’t really flow and I’m just writing what I’m thinking.
I think your friends would like to know what you’re going through. Builds trust or some shit like that. That’s what my form tutor told me I think.
Tell her you need space – she’d understand 🙂
Maybe what you need to feel better is a visit. To get away from work and people you know daily. And to go see these online friends. It could help – I doubt they’d mind that you’re slightly down, they read your life posts so they know some of it.
How would it be a disaster?
And you can set them to release a day or something later online – everything has gotten quite techy-techy so you can do that now.
@noonoo12 Most people don’t trust someone completely right away, though. “Normal” people. They know that it takes time. They don’t wear their heart on their sleeve, either. They don’t see things in the other person that aren’t really there 🙁 This last one leaving was the biggest shock ever. I still don’t understand it but have given up trying to.
Not really numb, but a bit more “meh” towards things. I definitely cry less. Only smoked weed once, didn’t do it right, didn’t like it 🙂 I wouldn’t even know where to get some anymore, not in touch with my old pothead friends anymore.
Yeah it’s weird… I hold people at arms’ length so they don’t leave me, but that means I don’t really “have” them in the first place. I’m sure if they saw this darkness or nothingness in me they’d leave.
The guy I’d go see has somehow developed a crush on me >.> He swears it would just be a “friendly” visit, but I don’t trust myself not to use him if we were drinking and stuff. He says he wouldn’t care if I did. Pfft! Or maybe I’d just disappoint him and break his heart even if he’s expecting nothing. Whatever… seeing him would change the dynamic, probably for the worse – things are just fine the way they are.
Since about 5 months ago, I’ve known straight away if I was going to trust someone or not. So I haven’t trusted anyone new.
I don’t think anyone really expects a break up if it was going supposedly well on your behalf. Maybe he didn’t show what he truly felt. 🙁 I think it’s pointless to keep thinking about it so I’m glad you’ve stopped.
So you’ve lost interest in stuff then?
You might want to try pot brownies if you ever find a way to get weed. Just do it occasionally and you will feel better. In controlled and continued doses it does have it’s benefits.
I think the way you keep people at arms’ length is more to do with your fear of rejection and abandonment, so if they “leave” you – you wouldn’t feel as bad as you would if you were close with said person. I state the obvious a lot. Can’t really much else.
Is that crush really such a bad thing? If you’re attracted to him and you can see that he’s a nice guy – what’s the problem?
How would you “use” him?
If he likes you, there’s no way you could disappoint him, because he knows what he’s getting into 🙂
“Fine” is not good enough – you never know, it could change the dynamic for the better 🙂
You need a bit more faith in yourself and some self-esteem.
🙂
@noonoo12 Did something in particular happen 5 months ago?
He said everything was great. He still loved me. He thought I deserved better. Blah blah. Obviously there’s stuff he wasn’t telling me. I think when he got too close to me he saw that bad thing inside me that I can’t explain, that I had forgotten about when I was happy, and he bolted.
I’ve lost interest in “fun” stuff. I’m all serious now. I know I’m never going to be happy again. Woe is me, whine whine whine.
Yes, the crush is bad. I’m not attracted to him. Would that change in person? Maybe, I dunno. He’s the nicest guy on the planet. I don’t see what good could come of it… even if I DID find that I was attracted to him, it couldn’t amount to anything due to the ocean in between us. How could I use him? As a warm body if I’m drunk’n’cuddly. It wouldn’t be right, messing with his emotions.
But…I don’t have faith and self-esteem because I suck!
I think your guy had other stuff going on – maybe family issues or even other stuff. He could’ve been depressed himself. He was trying to be thoughtful of you I think – it just backfired. 🙁 Maybe he was afraid of commitment? What do you think that “bad thing” is? Do you still speak with him?
That’s a symptom of depression – if it passes, maybe you’ll regain that interest in the fun stuff and all the other stuff you used to enjoy. Everybody thinks that they’ll never be happy again after they get depression. Some do though. It’s just the way you’re thinking right now. 🙁 I feel for you.
And I think it would change things. This guy is willing to be there for you. He’s nice and sweet from what I can tell. The ocean between shouldn’t really be an issue because if you’re unhappy where you are now – why not move? 🙂
I know, I know, easier said than done, but think about it.
A warm body might be just the thing you need right now – you never know, you might develop feelings for him because he’s there for you. 🙂
I wouldn’t consider it messing with his emotions – he understands the risks by the sounds of it, so think of it as experimentation. 😉
And you don’t suck – you no where near suck. You’re probably a pretty cool person in person. Haha 😀
@noonoo12 It’s a little more complicated that the way I present it on here… and yes, he did have some crap going on that had nothing to do with me, but the fact is he threw me away rather than fold me into it. And as of tonight, actually, I’m pretty sure we’re not going to be in contact for a long time, if ever. Fuck it.
Moving to a country where I couldn’t work would not be feasible. And if it didn’t mess with him, maybe it would somehow mess with me, still… I dunno. He wants me to promise I’d at least go visit him before killing myself if I decide to do that… and I can’t promise that. He should want me NOT to visit then. Argh, but he does seem to have a martyr complex.
If he did have crap going on then it’s not your fault. It’s easier to exclude you from it than include you. I understand that – maybe he didn’t want you to suffer for it. I wont ask about what happened tonight because I don’t think you really want to talk about it.
I’ll admit that it could prove to be a problem, but have you ever thought of teaching English or doing community projects (if it isn’t an English speaking country). Otherwise, why can’t you work? You seem to be reluctant to put yourself out there – if you don’t want to do it – don’t. But if you’re just nervous about it – go for it.
He does seem to want to sacrifice for you…slightly strange but maybe his intentions are pure. Maybe he just wants the chance to change your mind about killing yourself.
You’re welcome, but I know a lot of sucky people. You are not one of them. 🙂
@noonoo12 How perceptive of you – nope, not looking to talk about it, in fact I don’t want to talk about anything to do with him anymore. If I’m lucky, in time I’ll forget he ever existed.
Oh I’m way too mental to be a teacher. Thanks though. My American friend that moved to the UK couldn’t get legal permission to work for years, and she was even MARRIED to a Brit. Plus I just already know it wouldn’t work out. He says I can’t possibly decide things before they happen, and can’t control everything… but he just wants to fix me and I’m unfixable. Plus… hello, problems with being a burden, the only reason I was able to confide so much in him online was that he swore he got as much out of it as I did, if not more. But now I’m thinking he’s a bit too close for comfort so I have to push him away for his own sake. …okay, and for mine.
He’s trying to help I think. And I also think that’s how he helps himself – by helping others. You wouldn’t be a burden, there’d be an equal footing. You help him by just being there – he helps you by being there for you.
I think you need to try stepping out of your comfort zone. This could be the thing that you’re waiting for. No one is “unfixable” unless they’re a psychopath. Which I’m fairly certain doesn’t apply to your case.
If you don’t want to see him or be with him, that’s okay. Just do what makes you happy. Apart from “going into the light” as it were. Try opening up a bit more. It could help. 🙂
I certainly don’t deserve to be on this pedestal he’s put me on and there’s no way I can live up to that. I haven’t ruled it out entirely. I just would rather not go unless I can be properly excited about the trip… in a better place mentally… and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen so why get his hopes up.
And I agree, you don’t deserve to be put in this position. He has put up quite a few expectations of you and that must be awkward for you to deal with.
What do you want specifically? Like what are you trying to achieve to be happy? (I don’t know if that’s too personal – I’m just curious sorry)
What would it take for you to be in a better place mentally?
@noonoo12 He’s in northern England. 13-hour plane ride, 8-hour time difference… not exactly a weekend getaway for me! You’re in England too? You can go visit him for me :p He gets on me about black & white thinking, and yet he’s so sure that no matter how I act or what I say, we’ll get along great in person?
I want to love and be loved. Due to me being unlovable and unable to love correctly, it’s impossible, so that’s why I know I’ll never be happy and it doesn’t make sense that I’m still breathing in and out like a human being does. Whine whine, I know.
Is he a Geordie by any chance? 😉
I am in England, still about a 3 hour drive away though. 😛
Maybe he already does love you, you seem to be closer than you want to be, so maybe he does know the real you. Why do you think you’re unlovable – people have done it in the past haven’t they?
I doubt there is a “correct” way to love – to me, I think it’s one of those things that are open to interpretation. I think that you want a plausible excuse to commit suicide and by pushing people out, that is exactly what you’re getting. Try opening up (I’m repeating myself, I know).
Maybe one day you will achieve happiness – maybe this is a rough patch. I do hope you continue breathing in and out for a long time to come yet. 😀
It’s not whining if you have genuine problems, so don’t worry.
Just try to think positively (it does help a lot if I’m honest!).
😀
@noonoo12 Not sure, actually? He’s never mentioned it.
He loves the idea of me. Rather like I only know how to love the idea of people, apparently. And yeah, that would be the incorrect way.
I just know I am. Otherwise SOMEthing would have worked out by now. I’m the kind of person guys THINK they love at first but when they see what’s really inside they bolt. It’s kinda hard to be pissed at anyone but myself about it because if I were anyone else I’d do the same thing.
Thanks for your positive thoughts, though, that’s sweet 🙂
You should find out – they’re supposedly dirty in bed. First thought that popped into my mind when you said Northern England (haha).
You’ll never know what he actually thinks unless you meet him person. Same goes for you – you will never truly know if you can love somebody, and not the idea of them. Might be worth a shot.
I know people who haven’t formed a proper relationship til their 30’s or 40’s. But they’ve been glad for it because it made them more thoughtful of their partner. IT made them a better person for it. 🙂
There’s definitely a person who would love who you are. You just have the difficult task of finding him. I think it’d be worth it once you found him though. 🙂
@noonoo12 Oh hell, I’m not going to even ask him about that, I’m already worried about inadvertently stringing him along 😛 I’m not interested in a fling. And that’s all this could be due to the insane distance.
Thanks, but the more stuff I read the less hope I have of ever having anything even remotely resembling a healthy relationship. I thought my last one was the Best Thing Ever and he STILL bolted when he got to know me better and I wasn’t perfect. Sigh.
Oh good. 🙂
You’re actually believing all the shit on the internet? It’s the INTERNET. Most of it is made up bullcrap written to offend. Don’t take it to heart.
And that wouldn’t be realistic and I wouldn’t really advise anyone to do it. But in your case, absence makes the heart grow fonder?
By the way, I don’t think I’ll be going on this site anymore. So I hope for only the best for you. Have a nice life. 🙂
32 comments
And I hate country music, but I love this song.
If you don’t like country music then you might prefer the original Hurt, by Nine Inch Nails.
Listened to both. The Cash version is by far the best in my mind, hands down.
The Nine Inch Nails version is too brash for me.
I like what Johnny Cash brought to the song.
He made it his own.
Hell yes. I like both versions.
And the title of my (defunct) blog is “My Empire of Dirt.” My profile has the “everyone I know goes away in the end” line on it.
@SadBk
Do you mind me asking why it’s “defunct”?
@noonoo12 Well, I wanted people to think I was “taking a break”, and then when I killed myself they’d just think I never came back. They’d never know. Even if someone thought to eventually email me or drop a comment, they could assume whatever when I didn’t respond… they wouldn’t know.
I COULD go back to it now since I pushed the plans back to January, or maybe never… but it feels poisoned to me. And the people I’ve collected over there wouldn’t like me now if I was honest… and I’m sure they were all judging me… it’s just better for me to stay away. I miss some of the people but I remind myself that was the old me >.>
@SadBk
That’s quite a considerate thing to do. You’re thinking of others, despite your current position.
How have you changed since then? To have changed to have become a completely different person?
And what did you write about?
@noonoo12 I just hate the thought of anyone feeling bad because of me in any way. Probably the main reason I’m more passively than actively suicidal.
I wouldn’t say I’m completely different. But I’m weird about some things…okay, a lot of things. Being on there felt unhealthy in a bad way, like a I-don’t-want-to-do-this way and not a I-like-this-even-if-it’s-bad-for-me way. I used to be a fun person. I would write about fun things I don’t care about anymore, like TV and movies… music… baseball… I’d post silly polls or internet memes… also about things going on in my life… but, what do you write about when your life is over? Death. Doom and gloom.
My last posts were about depression. I had a “skip this post if you’re tired of depression talk” tag and always gave people an out at the beginning, like “don’t feel like you have to read this” – I don’t like dragging people down. (maybe that’s why I like it here – we’re already down?) I made a few casual references to suicide, but nothing since actually becoming suicidal. One poor girl said she was afraid when she saw a post from me, that it would be a suicide note. And she’d be relieved when it wasn’t. I felt bad about that! I promised I’d never do that. She probably thought I meant never kill myself…but I meant I wouldn’t post a note like that.
So, I’ve had it for 8 years, I’m not going to delete it or anything… maybe things will improve and I’ll feel like going back… I think of it fondly, unlike my Facebook which can rot in hell.
Jeez I babble a lot. And now I’ve really outted myself if anyone from that site hangs out here. I doubt it but you never know…
@SadBk
A lot of people feel like that. I for one do too. I don’t like judgment so I act like a completely different person to who I am. Because that way, it’s not me who’s being judged. I think I’m sort of both passive and actively suicidal. Like when shit goes down – that’s when I’ll try. And then all the other times I’m just passive. It’s stupid but I don’t know, it’s what I do.
What changed in your life to make you feel suicidal in the first place?
And what kind of audience did you have to your posts?
You sound as if you think you’re a burden to people. It’s your post – you shouldn’t have to apologise for it – they probably came to see what YOU wrote. 🙂
I think you’re being very thoughtful of others, but I’m sure they’d like to hear what came of you.
I do hope you get to a stage where you feel well enough to go back.
It sounds interesting.
I like your “babbling” it’s intriguing. 🙂
And I kind of hope that one of them is here. 🙂
Why wouldn’t you have a suicide note?
@noonoo12 Ah, that’s a good self preservation trick you have. I don’t like being completely fake, like I don’t pretend to be happy when I’m not, but I’ll pretend I’m more okay than I am at times just to keep the peace and not worry anyone. Most people are easily fooled. I do wonder how many of THEM may be fooling ME the same way…
It sounds cliche but it was my boyfriend dumping me. You’d think I’d be used to that shit by now but it had actually been so many years since I’d cared enough about anyone that I’d forgotten how devastating it is. I always overreact to abandonment and rejection. And all these months later I’m still so ashamed. In reality, people probably don’t judge me the way they do in my head, but… I can’t shake the feeling.
I had a lot of “fandom” friends on there (fellow nerds), so some of them wouldn’t respond to my life posts, but it was nice to find that some did and we bonded on a deeper level. I even took a trip overseas to meet a couple of them… that was cool. But they only post on FB now, ugh.
I DO feel like a burden to people, you’re right. My therapist hasn’t really figured how to get me to NOT feel that way yet. I understand why I do but it doesn’t help undo the feelings.
Thanks, you’re very kind 🙂 I’ve heard from a couple people over there, and apologized for kinda ditching them, said I didn’t know if I’d be back or not… most of them probably don’t even notice. People do tend to wander off to other sites.
I would have a note – actually, several personalized notes – but I wouldn’t post one online like that. For one thing, a few of them knew me in real life, and plenty of them have my name and address from Christmas card exchanges and stuff. So even if they were far away they might feel like they have to do something. For another… talk about worrying people and bringing them down! No one wants to read that. That’s what SP is for… haha.
(sorry for the post-jacking, wishful thinking!)
@SadBk
Nah, for me – it’s better to be completely fake. People don’t ask questions that way.
And you’d be surprised how many I think. All of my “friends” put masks on. It’s become normal. Quite scary actually.
I don’t think people do get used to things like that. I’m absolutely terrified of abandonment (never been rejected – never put myself in a position to be) and betrayal. It sucks fucking balls. I don’t think people ever truly get over it. There’s always a remnant of sadness or anger. Are you medicated at all?
In which way do you feel like a burden? Do others do things for you? Or do you just feel like burden for being a part of their lives?
It’s pretty cool that you went and met them – shitty though that they only post on Facebook now though. Have you tried to contact them another way? Or to arrange another trip?
People will remember – you’d be shocked how much.
Why wouldn’t you have notes online?
People would be interested to know. But yeah you’re right – that is what SP is for. 🙂
(I second the apology wishful thinking – Sorry!)
@noonoo12 It’s polite to do it to some extent. Like when someone asks how your day is going, you say “fine,” not… “I’ve been having suicidal thoughts all day.” That’s just awkward. (er, unless you’re in therapy or with someone you’re really close to?)
I always think I’m going to protect myself more, but then someone ~perfect~ comes along, I get carried away and overconfident again, I’m SO SURE that this time it’s different. *snort* It’s really pathetic. But if it’s not really intense really fast, I don’t want it. I’m very all or nothing. I know it’s wrong.
I’m on Wellbutrin. It seems to have taken care of the negative monologue in my head. Probably another reason I’m only passively suicidal. Like, logically I know I “should” kill myself, but without the emotion backing it up I don’t feel compelled to do anything about it.
I’m very self-sufficient so I make sure I’m NOT a burden to anyone. I will listen to friends vent about their lives, but I can’t do it myself. Even though *I* don’t feel like *they* are a burden when they talk to me. One friend really wants to do something for me because I help her out with stuff… but I don’t need anything from anyone, I don’t know what to tell her!
I wouldn’t want to go see them now since we haven’t really talked in a few years. I’ve thought about visiting someone else, someone who really wants to meet me and who’s been there for me (online) this whole time… but… I can’t, at least not right now. I think it might be a disaster. I’d only want to go if I’m feeling “fun” again.
The problem with posting suicide notes online is that you have to do it beforehand. With actual paper notes, it’s over by the time anyone reads them.
@SadBk
I do that crap – but I say I’m good. I’m not in therapy. And my friends aren’t particularly close. Fine means they still ask.
I think everyone does it. Well optimists anyway. Maybe this time it’ll be better. Maybe he wont fuck me over this time. If you didn’t do it – you’d get nowhere. So maybe it isn’t such a bad thing. Eventually you’ll find what you’re looking for. 🙂 That “overconfidence” sounds like faith in the relationship, so I’m guessing it’s not you who ends it.
Does it make you feel numb? I’m glad the “monologue” has gone either way. You should try smoking weed every now and then too. Or don’t if you’re not into drugs.
My sentences don’t really flow and I’m just writing what I’m thinking.
I think your friends would like to know what you’re going through. Builds trust or some shit like that. That’s what my form tutor told me I think.
Tell her you need space – she’d understand 🙂
Maybe what you need to feel better is a visit. To get away from work and people you know daily. And to go see these online friends. It could help – I doubt they’d mind that you’re slightly down, they read your life posts so they know some of it.
How would it be a disaster?
And you can set them to release a day or something later online – everything has gotten quite techy-techy so you can do that now.
@noonoo12 Most people don’t trust someone completely right away, though. “Normal” people. They know that it takes time. They don’t wear their heart on their sleeve, either. They don’t see things in the other person that aren’t really there 🙁 This last one leaving was the biggest shock ever. I still don’t understand it but have given up trying to.
Not really numb, but a bit more “meh” towards things. I definitely cry less. Only smoked weed once, didn’t do it right, didn’t like it 🙂 I wouldn’t even know where to get some anymore, not in touch with my old pothead friends anymore.
Yeah it’s weird… I hold people at arms’ length so they don’t leave me, but that means I don’t really “have” them in the first place. I’m sure if they saw this darkness or nothingness in me they’d leave.
The guy I’d go see has somehow developed a crush on me >.> He swears it would just be a “friendly” visit, but I don’t trust myself not to use him if we were drinking and stuff. He says he wouldn’t care if I did. Pfft! Or maybe I’d just disappoint him and break his heart even if he’s expecting nothing. Whatever… seeing him would change the dynamic, probably for the worse – things are just fine the way they are.
@SadBk
Since about 5 months ago, I’ve known straight away if I was going to trust someone or not. So I haven’t trusted anyone new.
I don’t think anyone really expects a break up if it was going supposedly well on your behalf. Maybe he didn’t show what he truly felt. 🙁 I think it’s pointless to keep thinking about it so I’m glad you’ve stopped.
So you’ve lost interest in stuff then?
You might want to try pot brownies if you ever find a way to get weed. Just do it occasionally and you will feel better. In controlled and continued doses it does have it’s benefits.
I think the way you keep people at arms’ length is more to do with your fear of rejection and abandonment, so if they “leave” you – you wouldn’t feel as bad as you would if you were close with said person. I state the obvious a lot. Can’t really much else.
Is that crush really such a bad thing? If you’re attracted to him and you can see that he’s a nice guy – what’s the problem?
How would you “use” him?
If he likes you, there’s no way you could disappoint him, because he knows what he’s getting into 🙂
“Fine” is not good enough – you never know, it could change the dynamic for the better 🙂
You need a bit more faith in yourself and some self-esteem.
🙂
@noonoo12 Did something in particular happen 5 months ago?
He said everything was great. He still loved me. He thought I deserved better. Blah blah. Obviously there’s stuff he wasn’t telling me. I think when he got too close to me he saw that bad thing inside me that I can’t explain, that I had forgotten about when I was happy, and he bolted.
I’ve lost interest in “fun” stuff. I’m all serious now. I know I’m never going to be happy again. Woe is me, whine whine whine.
Yes, the crush is bad. I’m not attracted to him. Would that change in person? Maybe, I dunno. He’s the nicest guy on the planet. I don’t see what good could come of it… even if I DID find that I was attracted to him, it couldn’t amount to anything due to the ocean in between us. How could I use him? As a warm body if I’m drunk’n’cuddly. It wouldn’t be right, messing with his emotions.
But…I don’t have faith and self-esteem because I suck!
@SadBk
I just came to a realisation.
I think your guy had other stuff going on – maybe family issues or even other stuff. He could’ve been depressed himself. He was trying to be thoughtful of you I think – it just backfired. 🙁 Maybe he was afraid of commitment? What do you think that “bad thing” is? Do you still speak with him?
That’s a symptom of depression – if it passes, maybe you’ll regain that interest in the fun stuff and all the other stuff you used to enjoy. Everybody thinks that they’ll never be happy again after they get depression. Some do though. It’s just the way you’re thinking right now. 🙁 I feel for you.
And I think it would change things. This guy is willing to be there for you. He’s nice and sweet from what I can tell. The ocean between shouldn’t really be an issue because if you’re unhappy where you are now – why not move? 🙂
I know, I know, easier said than done, but think about it.
A warm body might be just the thing you need right now – you never know, you might develop feelings for him because he’s there for you. 🙂
I wouldn’t consider it messing with his emotions – he understands the risks by the sounds of it, so think of it as experimentation. 😉
And you don’t suck – you no where near suck. You’re probably a pretty cool person in person. Haha 😀
@noonoo12 It’s a little more complicated that the way I present it on here… and yes, he did have some crap going on that had nothing to do with me, but the fact is he threw me away rather than fold me into it. And as of tonight, actually, I’m pretty sure we’re not going to be in contact for a long time, if ever. Fuck it.
Moving to a country where I couldn’t work would not be feasible. And if it didn’t mess with him, maybe it would somehow mess with me, still… I dunno. He wants me to promise I’d at least go visit him before killing myself if I decide to do that… and I can’t promise that. He should want me NOT to visit then. Argh, but he does seem to have a martyr complex.
Thank you, but trust me, I suck.
@SadBk
If he did have crap going on then it’s not your fault. It’s easier to exclude you from it than include you. I understand that – maybe he didn’t want you to suffer for it. I wont ask about what happened tonight because I don’t think you really want to talk about it.
I’ll admit that it could prove to be a problem, but have you ever thought of teaching English or doing community projects (if it isn’t an English speaking country). Otherwise, why can’t you work? You seem to be reluctant to put yourself out there – if you don’t want to do it – don’t. But if you’re just nervous about it – go for it.
He does seem to want to sacrifice for you…slightly strange but maybe his intentions are pure. Maybe he just wants the chance to change your mind about killing yourself.
You’re welcome, but I know a lot of sucky people. You are not one of them. 🙂
@noonoo12 How perceptive of you – nope, not looking to talk about it, in fact I don’t want to talk about anything to do with him anymore. If I’m lucky, in time I’ll forget he ever existed.
Oh I’m way too mental to be a teacher. Thanks though. My American friend that moved to the UK couldn’t get legal permission to work for years, and she was even MARRIED to a Brit. Plus I just already know it wouldn’t work out. He says I can’t possibly decide things before they happen, and can’t control everything… but he just wants to fix me and I’m unfixable. Plus… hello, problems with being a burden, the only reason I was able to confide so much in him online was that he swore he got as much out of it as I did, if not more. But now I’m thinking he’s a bit too close for comfort so I have to push him away for his own sake. …okay, and for mine.
@SadBk
I’m sorry for mentioning him then.
Where are you from?
He’s trying to help I think. And I also think that’s how he helps himself – by helping others. You wouldn’t be a burden, there’d be an equal footing. You help him by just being there – he helps you by being there for you.
I think you need to try stepping out of your comfort zone. This could be the thing that you’re waiting for. No one is “unfixable” unless they’re a psychopath. Which I’m fairly certain doesn’t apply to your case.
If you don’t want to see him or be with him, that’s okay. Just do what makes you happy. Apart from “going into the light” as it were. Try opening up a bit more. It could help. 🙂
@noonoo12 I’m in the southwest U.S.
I certainly don’t deserve to be on this pedestal he’s put me on and there’s no way I can live up to that. I haven’t ruled it out entirely. I just would rather not go unless I can be properly excited about the trip… in a better place mentally… and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen so why get his hopes up.
@SadBk
Ah so where does he live?
And I agree, you don’t deserve to be put in this position. He has put up quite a few expectations of you and that must be awkward for you to deal with.
What do you want specifically? Like what are you trying to achieve to be happy? (I don’t know if that’s too personal – I’m just curious sorry)
What would it take for you to be in a better place mentally?
@noonoo12 He’s in northern England. 13-hour plane ride, 8-hour time difference… not exactly a weekend getaway for me! You’re in England too? You can go visit him for me :p He gets on me about black & white thinking, and yet he’s so sure that no matter how I act or what I say, we’ll get along great in person?
I want to love and be loved. Due to me being unlovable and unable to love correctly, it’s impossible, so that’s why I know I’ll never be happy and it doesn’t make sense that I’m still breathing in and out like a human being does. Whine whine, I know.
@SadBk
Is he a Geordie by any chance? 😉
I am in England, still about a 3 hour drive away though. 😛
Maybe he already does love you, you seem to be closer than you want to be, so maybe he does know the real you. Why do you think you’re unlovable – people have done it in the past haven’t they?
I doubt there is a “correct” way to love – to me, I think it’s one of those things that are open to interpretation. I think that you want a plausible excuse to commit suicide and by pushing people out, that is exactly what you’re getting. Try opening up (I’m repeating myself, I know).
Maybe one day you will achieve happiness – maybe this is a rough patch. I do hope you continue breathing in and out for a long time to come yet. 😀
It’s not whining if you have genuine problems, so don’t worry.
Just try to think positively (it does help a lot if I’m honest!).
😀
@noonoo12 Not sure, actually? He’s never mentioned it.
He loves the idea of me. Rather like I only know how to love the idea of people, apparently. And yeah, that would be the incorrect way.
I just know I am. Otherwise SOMEthing would have worked out by now. I’m the kind of person guys THINK they love at first but when they see what’s really inside they bolt. It’s kinda hard to be pissed at anyone but myself about it because if I were anyone else I’d do the same thing.
Thanks for your positive thoughts, though, that’s sweet 🙂
@SadBk
You should find out – they’re supposedly dirty in bed. First thought that popped into my mind when you said Northern England (haha).
You’ll never know what he actually thinks unless you meet him person. Same goes for you – you will never truly know if you can love somebody, and not the idea of them. Might be worth a shot.
I know people who haven’t formed a proper relationship til their 30’s or 40’s. But they’ve been glad for it because it made them more thoughtful of their partner. IT made them a better person for it. 🙂
There’s definitely a person who would love who you are. You just have the difficult task of finding him. I think it’d be worth it once you found him though. 🙂
You’re welcome. 😉
@noonoo12 Oh hell, I’m not going to even ask him about that, I’m already worried about inadvertently stringing him along 😛 I’m not interested in a fling. And that’s all this could be due to the insane distance.
Thanks, but the more stuff I read the less hope I have of ever having anything even remotely resembling a healthy relationship. I thought my last one was the Best Thing Ever and he STILL bolted when he got to know me better and I wasn’t perfect. Sigh.
@SadBk
I’m no expert on relationships, so do what you think is right. The insane distance could just be the thing that brings you closer together. 🙂
Perfect is boring. Without the kinks, a relationship is dull. Put yourself out there, just a few more times and see what happens. 🙂
And stop reading dammit!! If it makes you feel worse tell me to shut up! 😀
@noonoo12 Noooo not stuff YOU’VE written, silly, you’ve been very nice! Stuff out there on the internet about fuck-ups like me.
And no way will I enter into a relationship with someone I will see once a year or less. That’s just not realistic and only a recipe for heartache.
@SadBk
Oh good. 🙂
You’re actually believing all the shit on the internet? It’s the INTERNET. Most of it is made up bullcrap written to offend. Don’t take it to heart.
And that wouldn’t be realistic and I wouldn’t really advise anyone to do it. But in your case, absence makes the heart grow fonder?
By the way, I don’t think I’ll be going on this site anymore. So I hope for only the best for you. Have a nice life. 🙂