I don’t feel anything matters anymore

Since I was 13, I don’t feel like living anymore, the idea of committing suicide comes back to me from time to time. Now, I’m 27, I still always feel so lonely, and the unhappy feeling seems to be so strong that I can’t take anymore. I always think that if I can choose not to have any happiness in order to exchange for experiencing no sadness anymore, I must take this. Then I think I’m up for a suicide plan. But my parents love me so much that I always don’t want to break their heart, as I know how bad a person would feel when he is so depressed, I truly don’t want them to go through it. Then this becomes a constant dilemma for me. I want to kill myself, but at the same time I can’t. That makes me feel even worse, I can see no way out. However, since my will power became even weaker, I started thinking abt being selfish and just do it, to end this repeating cycle. Happy sometimes, very depressed sometimes…..

Recently, I broke up with my bf. And it triggered the depression again. I feel like nothing matters anymore, and I have totally lost interest in doing anything. I keep myself busy by playing games, and then I feel so guilty, as I’m not working (I just had a very long break from work), not being productive at all. I can’t see any way out. I feel life is so hard, and I am so lazy, I don’t want to do anything at all. I don’t even go out, I just stay home everyday. I seriously ask for some advise here. Thank you.