As above, im not entirely sure why im here, or how why I bothered to register and even why i type now eludes me.
Well I suppose thats not strictly true, im here for the reason most are, I dont seek sympathy or understanding however, I suppose this works more for me as A place to unload, I have no one i can talk to in reality, no one that can be trusted at least, and I guess at least if i do this, I can say I tried to talk to someone, if it ever comes out I mean.
Im not suicidal, I mean I think about it most days, and find comfort in the idea, but I dont think i’d go through with it, but then I suppose no one does.
I cant even say there’s anything particularly wrong with my life, not in the grand scheme of things, I have family, friends, A nice home and a good education, im aware of all of this, yet I still have this feeling of complete isolation and, for lack of a better word, numbness, a feeling of non-existence, like im here and im interacting with people, doing the daily routine, yet… it could easily stop, I could cease to exist and nothing would change, I could fade from the world, because the reality is, that in the grand scheme of things, I dont matter, im nobody important, there would be no change in the event of my end, sometimes, when I really feel like just stopping, and ending things, the only thing that stops me is my own cowardice, the fear of being wrong in my doubts, there fear that even in my best efforts, I could fail, and my being could just become worse, that as horrible as I feel now, as empty as I fell, maybe thats the best im ever going to feel? maybe as bad as it is, is as good as its ever going to get?
An early memory of mine, to give some back story, I dont remember much, as I was quite young, around 10 or so, but on two occasions, I wrote suicide notes, leaving them for my mum while she slept, im still here though, so I guess it didn’t all go as planned, although I imagine how I felt then is how A lot like how I feel now, it was early in my life I decided to become stone, to be strong, and give the impression of nothing fazes me, no emotions I couldn’t handle, and no burden I couldn’t shoulder alone, and maybe thats what led to me losing my grip on myself.
An example to give I suppose would be in the mornings, when I go to college, I go to the train station everyday, its a large busy station with several platforms, and there’s fast trains, trains that just rush through and dont stop , and i watch the coming, and I always get the urge, as i watch it, to just jump, to take the opportunity presented to me and jump, to end everything if I could just move my legs and jump. Its an odd compulsion, however one im sure some are familiar with, anyway, im not really sure what else to say without rambling, but its been kind of nice to type this, theres an endless amount of things I could say, but not without rambling i fear, and mostly of unimportance, I may write again, at the end of the day i suppose what this comes down to however, is internal battle, never has the term inner demons been more apt.
3 comments
I can identify with your post
Thanks for sharing it
What led to me losing my grip on myself?
Wouldn’t it be ironic if it is the grip itself that brought about its failure of being able to hold on?
We try so hard and hold on so tight to being the person we imagine others want and need us to be, only a matter of time that we lose our sense of self.
What would life be like if we relaxed that grip.
Create a little space were we didn’t have to measure and quantify everything we did.
Space to breathe without having to make any judgments or be attached to any outcome.
It’s an illusion that we can hold on.
We are all falling, always falling, in one sense or other
The saying goes that it isn’t about falling but how you get up.
I would add that its equally important is how you fall.
Ask anyone who trains in any sport.
Falling ridged and stiff, frantically grasping and griping is a sure way of breaking bones.
I feel like this most days. I did a horrible thing to my husband and now he has moved out to think about things. I’m loosing my mind. I feel empty and lost. I do the everyday things that I’m supposed to….cook clean take of the kids. But I have NO joy. I’m always on the verge of tears and have no one to talk to. My husband doesn’t want to hear what I have to say because he says I did it to myself, I guess I did but it doesn’t take away the pain, the suffering the wanting to drive my car off an overpass or take a bottle of pills. If you ever want to say hi text me. 801-928-0011
Stones are breakable, we chose the wrong thing to immolate. You’re not the only one who, as a child, decided that they needed to be tough and strong. As it turns out, not validating my emotions is what eroded me.