Dear mother and father,
I’m sorry for being such a horrible daughter. I want to die. I want to waste the life that you gave me. I want to throw away all these wonderful memories that you’ve shared with me. The scent of your sheets in the Sunday morning, the wet kisses you still give me, the outdated radio you always turn on in the mornings while cooking breakfast, your corny childish jokes, the laughter and small talk–those everyday boring stuff that I love so much.
It’s not your fault, but mine.
I don’t deserve your kindness, love. There are 7 billion 107 million people (which I remind you everyday, quietly hinting my insignificance)Â in this world who need it more than I do. I’m just a horrible, selfish human only thinking of myself.
Only wishing to get out of this misery.
Only thinking of death.
Only thinking of a way to save myself.
Yet I know it’ll only bring you hell.
Mom, Dad, have you ever seen the Breakfast Club? If you didn’t watch it, Brian/Bryan, that boy, is me. But I don’t hate you like he did. I hate myself. I love everyone. But myself. I hate myself. And I know people say that people who hate themselves can’t learn to love others, and I think that might be true. After all, if I kill myself, I’d bring you a lifetime worth of misery and depression.
It might be because of the pressure or my own stupidity, but I can’t live. I can’t live on. I don’t want to see your miserable faces once you’ve learned that I’ve only one month to complete a year’s course of eleventh grade. I know it’s only high school, but I don’t want to be another disappointment for both of you to bear every single day. I know that you’d rather have my alive, but I can’t bear myself to hear you cry every night like you did with my brother.
If only I stayed in public school, if only I stayed in America, if only I didn’t comply to your wishes, if only, if only… then all of us wouldn’t be in this horrible, sick mess. Then you wouldn’t have wasted 20,000 dollars on me. We still have a 100,000 dollar debt you know? Why must you have done that? Why must you have spent 20,000 dollars on me? Why? Why?WHY?
why….
And I want to stop and start working hard, but I’ve given up. My body gave up.
I know it sounds like a pity excuse, but it’s true. My heart wants to, really, so….so…
so much. But I can’t move.
I don’t have a dream, my only dream is for you two to be happy, along with my siblings. I don’t know what I wanna be. I just want you to be happy. But if I live, that won’t happen, and if I die, that won’t happen.
It’s true that I’m unbearably lonely. I have, after all, no one to talk to. I’ve spent these 2 years of high school on a computer for this online school. Chatting makes me more lonely and my old school acquaintances (self-proclaimed friends) don’t even contact me since I don’t contact them.
I’m just so lonely I wanna die.
And I hate myself for feeling this way, because I am your life.
Hey, mom, dad? If you see through these posts, there’s a lot of lonely kids in here. And it’s so sad. Â Some with even much worse stories than I.
Kids and adults with parents that never cared, but here I am, foolishly talking about parents that cared too much that I wished they hadn’t.
If I hate you guys, killing myself would be easy–no regrets, no sadness. And I wouldn’t be living in a torture cell every, single, day, constantly killing my mentality. I’d be content with my decision. But you guys aren’t evil, I am.
You guys are my world, and to see you guys crumble kills me.
So I need to die.
Sorry, and goodbye,
Your selfish, youngest daughter who’ll love you forever.
D.S.K
7 comments
I’m in tears. You’re amazing and I’ve never felt that i could relate with someone so much. You’re such a sweet amazing person. Please don’t feel sad for letting your parents love you. I know you feel like its your fault that they’re in debt but it isn’t. They love you and they’re just trying to make you happy. I feel so stupid because i never appreciated any of the things my parents have done for me, i just only think of all the bad stuff that they’ve done. You only feel this way because you are so kind and you have a big heart <3 I wish you all the best 🙂
Thank you for the comforting words. They really, truly mean a lot at a time like this.
Hopefully this time period will pass and all of these people on this site will crawl out of here alive, while each of us go off to find our own share of happiness.
Thank you for the comment, really, thank you so much. ♥♥♥
&I’m sure you’re just as beautiful and kind in reality to care enough to read&comment on a suicidal teen’s post. I hope you have a wonderful day, and know that someone suicidal in a tiny little apartment with an internet connection is slowly healing due to you. Thank you for existing. : )
Please don’t die hating yourself. You are worth loving. I can tell from the depth of feeling and wisdom in your writing. Perhaps you haven’t made the connection to living in your own skin and valuing your heart and soul. I hope for you that you do someday.
So much more I could say, my parents and how I always felt I was disappointing them. A child can never live up to someone else’s expectations because you must find your own.
Sending love and understanding.
Your mum and dad love you for who you are, your parents certainly did a great job bringing up a well spoken fine young lady like you.
Perhaps it’s not a bad idea to take a gap year? Be it volunteer or apprentice.
I am depress for a long time and doesn’t want to live anymore, I have brought so much pain for my loving parents in just six months ever since I am unemployed.
I have a good Biomedical degree, great job in the past, friends and family enjoy spending time with me. And now I am bitter sour and hard to live with because I am miserable… al we need is to change our perspective
What our parents wanted is not good grades/ degree/ money but just our company and laughter, talk to them…
Don’t be so hard on yourself hun.
You’re not selfish, just hurting.
brl.cents@gmail.com is my email address.
I believe you are far from evil D.S.K. An evil person would moreso want to murder their parents instead of being appreciative of them as you are. I hope you can find a positive ladder to begin climbing and soon. You are not even 19 yet! Please do not give up hope…
You’re welcome x10000! I’ve never felt so emotional towards a post and it makes me feel really happy to know that my comment helped you 🙂 I loved reading your story and I would be more than happy to learn more about your life and even share some stories with you 🙂 Here’s my email, atirsuokram@hotmail.com 🙂