Just to get a lot off of my mind.

Well, I realize that this blog is primarily for people who have had their bout with suicidal thoughts, but a friend of mine recommended simply venting my thoughts here to do away with the depressing ones. I’ve had my thoughts about suicide in the past, namely as a direct yet also indirect result of the first breakup I endured a little over two years ago now. That breakup completely changed my life, and completely changed me as a person. As a result, I over-think everything. On top of that, I’ve dealt with a father suffering from multiple mental illnesses, but I can honestly say I don’t have it that bad. The main reason I’m posting this is just to get my voice out there… Basically, two days ago, my third relationship came to a crashing halt when my partner showed her true personality. I can say now that I was being used, either consciously or unconsciously. A little background information about myself, I can’t dance. It’s not that I don’t like dancing, I just plain can’t. It nauseates and depresses me to no end, and yes, I know, I’m a little weird XD So we go to this ball on Friday, and I already knew I was going way out of my comfort zone. I had bad feelings about the dance a month before, but I really wanted to spend time with my girlfriend, and I was willing to do pretty much anything to be with her. Once there, the introductions proceeded as normal, and it seemed to be just fine. Then the dance begun, and I could already tell that I was beginning to slip. Slowly down and down I went. I actually got out of my seat and tried to dance with her, but my mind just kept falling down the rabbit hole into wonderland. The dancing made it worse… I told her to just have fun and dance and I’d do my own thing until the dance was over. I started to feel inadequate, and it piled on top of the depression that was already underway… I eventually found myself in the lobby of the building that the ball was located, this close to sobbing my eyes out, and feeling incredibly sick. Three people who passed by actually asked me if I was okay and one got me a drink to help out, so it was that bad. One of my friends, despite telling him not to, decided to go up to my then girlfriend and tell her where I was and how I was… Believe it or not, she shrugged at him as though I meant nothing to her. When he came back and told me, reality hit me as though I had run full blast into a brick wall. I walked up to her and said only a few words before walking away spiraling out of control down a road I had followed once before. I asked her if she really cared… Her response, yet another shrug. If the first brick wall wasn’t enough, the second really did me in. I broke up with her through text because she kept ignoring me thereafter, and I’m still devastated. I just can’t believe that I could be used for mere pleasure like that even nearly 3 months into the relationship. That the moment I stop being useful to her, she shrugs me off like a fly. Not having someone to love makes me feel really useless, and I still have feelings for her despite all the pain I’ve endured in the relationship by ignoring all of the bad things that have happened before that night… I realize now though that the right person for me has to be someone that I can truly relate to and not someone that just wants to have fun. I need someone that will talk about the inner workings of the universe with me while cuddling under a moonlit night… Someone that will care for the sake of caring. Care just because of how amazing we would each care for each other… I just can’t stop thinking at this point and I want the thoughts to stop. I want to forget and move on, but I know from experience that it’s harder said than done. I just want to be acknowledged by others at this point… But don’t we all? If you read these 700+ words, thank you 🙂