Still trying to figure out where I fit in the online world. I keep thinking I’ll just stay offline more…but then I don’t. I guess that only works in the real world, where I stick to either the familiar (work, home, favorite coffee shops, etc.) or “familiar-unfamiliar†(new coffee shops, new hikes, etc.) where I feel comfortable. Poking around at different sites for depressed people, or people with broken hearts, or child-free… nothing jumps out at me in “YES THIS IS YOUR PLACE†fashion. I’m curious about one of the child-free sites, but it didn’t seem very welcoming, and also was geared more towards “by choice,†and I’m on the line. The “not by choice†site I saw still seemed to be full of not for you things… married women, career women. You know – people with actual lives. I can’t go anywhere I used to go… no fandom-y places, places for happy people. And definitely nowhere where people would know me from before.
So what the hell do I want? The only place I fit in is on suicide sites (and even then I don’t really fit in, it just seems like these sites are acceptable places for the world’s rejects to dwell and the variety isn’t as… I don’t know…not for you-ish? Ugh, this is why I’m not a real writer… or real ANYthing…), so what does that say about me? I’m only passively suicidal now so technically would that mean I don’t fit in here either? Am I looking for reasons to go back to feeling more aggressively suicidal? That doesn’t make sense, does it? I’m still making choices as if I were suicidal. “I don’t have to do this-or-that because soon I won’t be here†type things. I’m still living mostly in the little bubble I’ve constructed for myself, following rules that make no sense to normal people. I’m still stuck. I apparently like being stuck. Once in a while something resembling hope pokes through, but it terrifies me and I shove it away. Fuck hope! It’s a fickle lover that will lift you up only to send you back down with a tremendous crash.
Am I looking for carbon copies of myself? Nooooo. One me is plenty. But…maybe I’m actually looking for reasons that indicate it’s okay that I exist. That being who I am is enough. Aren’t we all supposed to feel like we’re speshul snowflakes?
Forgive my babble. It’s my down time at work, I haven’t been journaling as much lately, and it’s my non-therapy week, so I guess it comes out here. Plus I’m PMSing. Blech >.>
16 comments
When I joined this site it was the first time I’d ever interacted with strangers on the Internet. Since then I tried other chatrooms/forums but they weren’t my cup of tea. Occasionally, I’ll go on them but it’s rare.
I think that when I start making more money to spend on things that occupy my time and that I like doing, I’ll definitely be reducing my Internet hours.
Besides, the internet’s full of people that you’d avoid in the real world. If you don’t fit in that can only be a good thing.
Really? Have you been here a long time? I’ve been interacting with strangers on the interwebz since 1997 😀
I despise group chats. Alas, I will never be one of the ~cool kids~. This place has a constant stream of newbies, which changes the climate frequently, but I still feel comfy here. And I have yet to make a post that goes completely without comments, thanks to your comment on my post yesterday! (it’s inevitable, I know, and since I only comment on maybe like… 1 out of 30? posts myself, I’m not bitching)
What do you like to do that you’re not currently doing?
Good point… but I’m one of those people to be avoided in the real world too! I don’t fit in anywhere. Wah.
I had a pretty active social life so it never occurred to me to find people online. I’ve been on here since 2011. Sometimes I think it was meant to happen. None of my old friends post here often if at all.
Err… I’d like to travel more, see and experience new things. Anythings better than living in an imaginary world.
I haven’t had an active social life since my early 20s, nor have I wanted one. For years I was obsessed with online roleplaying. No interest in that anymore, sadly. I think I’m the opposite of you… I wish I could find an imaginary world to lose myself in. Nothing works anymore. (I do like to travel some, though)
You’ll lose your marbles if you spend all your time on chatrooms and suicide forums.
Whatever marbles remain to be lost? No chat rooms. But yeah, between SP and SF I’ve got the suicide interest covered.
SF?
Sorry – suicideforum dot com. Pro-life site.
I’m not extremely active over there.
Oh.
I think that discrimination, encouraging suicide, sexual stuff should be prohibited but on most of the suicide sites they go overboard. Your not really allowed to say anything remotely controversial. They sell it on the basis they are there to help people. In reality, they just want to help themselves, exactly why they alienate people that don’t conform to their way of thinking. That’s why I don’t go on them sites. Sure, people are entitled to operate their site as they see fit. At the same time I value my own freedom to say what I want. If I can’t do that then there’s no point in saying anything at all.
That stuff should be prohibited, yes. I don’t think I’m knowledgeable enough on the ways of website administrators to comment on the rest. I figure the site gurus do what they want and I’m lucky I can use their websites for free. If they don’t follow their own rules (or change the rules) and it annoys me enough I’d stop going there.
It would be nice to have the freedom to discuss methods here… and that may happen “under the table” a bit… but if some do-gooder group gets the site shut down because of it, that would suck.
I’m much improved since last year. Even though my circumstances haven’t changed much, I feel as though I’m a better person. I don’t allow myself to become negative because of what people say and do on Internet websites. Whenever I used to get annoyed with what someone said, I would always go out and enjoy myself or do something productive. I’d never sulk. I’d certainly give a piece of my mind whether I was right or wrong. I think now, I’d just be happy to allow people to feel they got the upper hand and not feel the need to prove myself. Once, I would have found the whole idea of these kind of sites ridiculous. I didn’t even think there was such a thing. Then I ended up on one. I’m pleased that I did.
That’s great that you’re improving yourself. And quite healthy to step away when irritated. I’ve never been much of a debater, but I used to get caught up in personal drama sometimes. Took me a while to learn to walk away. It was easy enough to do it with virtual strangers but after you get to know people better and get close to them over months and years… it was tough for me.
I’m afraid I was a much better person a year ago than I am today 🙁
Hope is a lot like love: you have to stab it and choke it until your fingers bleed, and just when you think it’s done, when hasn’t moved or stirred for weeks, the littlest thing sparks it back to life. Pandora’s great evil. You don’t have to give up hope, hope lives in the smallest crevasses and lurks in the unexplored corners. But just in case, don’t give up hope. 🙂
To paraphrase Camus’ “The Myth of Siysphus,” the fundamental question is not why suicide, but rather why not. The answer could be “hope,” but it’s not. The answer is best expressed in Hamlet’s Soliloquy:
To die, to sleep–
To sleep–perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th’ oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely
The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th’ unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprise of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.
Fear. Hope is merely that thing that makes getting up in the morning a worthy enterprise. The future is uncertain, as it should be.
My girl wants to live more than die, but she’s dying any ways because the ED has a firm, tireless grip on her, and the depression rules her. I’m still “hopeful.” I’ve enjoyed the lull of a serene few months, one involving the slow death rather than the crisis of the all out suicidal thoughts and actions; but, being who I am, it’s “once more into the breach.” I’ll fight her for her life. What’s there to lose? Only inaction leave permanent scars, the scratches and bruises from action, heal.
Hope you find what you are looking for.
Hi again Gabe! Interesting that you chose that passage… I had no real hope or fear in the darkest days, but lately, have had some of both. “And lose the name of action” indeed.
I really, REALLY hate that the future is uncertain. I was charging at it before with excited certainty, perhaps setting myself up to fail. Now I wish I could skip ahead for just a glimpse to see if the future holds anything of value or not :/
Your girl is very lucky to have you in her corner. I hope she knows that.
Well, it’s what I do best, consciously — rattle the cage and unsettle things — and it’s the only unique thing I have to give her: an uncertain future. Tomorrow’s unset. Wanna find out what happens? Stick around. 🙂
Peace.
And apparently it’s kept her hooked so far 😉 Well done!