ive attempted 6 times, 4 by train, 2 by gun. i want to make this next one IT! ive gone through the roller coaster for too long the highs of i can do it to the lows of frustrating something kill me now. i can get ******** (powder or liquid) for a price and almost had it. i took out a loan for 500 as i have nothing to my name, but like a jack ass put the last 4 numbers of my account number so it went to the wrong account, passed a 300 dollar offer, and now they all think im gonna fraud them (tried like 8 places). i still have the gun though, which i sold my car dirt cheap for. i dont have the courage to deliver myself however, hell i couldn’t even pierce my ear when i was gonna guage them.
ive been doing all this at loacal librarrys (including all the reserch for dosage and what not) and its getting scech. i was evicted a couple months ago, went from hotel to hotel for a little then moved to Fremont. i have very little friends, am socially awkward, and dont want to spent another month or two saving up money after finding a job i can walk to. every day is torment and i dont want to wake up in the morning. i have gender identification issues and its to the point where i cant even watch tv because im afraid to see a couple. i feel worthless and unatractive to all. ive become paranoid of friends and strangers alike. there are few people i trust, but i dont want just friends in this world.
if anyone was at the end of their rope, pleas contact me. im in california bay area and can offer the rifle or can get good drugs and have the know how to make them work. This is my last option i feel, other than dragging on miserably for some months to come.
thank you everyone for your replies
krux_91@hotmail.com
6 comments
Krux,
What I hear you saying is that you want out, however maybe there is a reason for you to be alive. I mean if you have tried multiple times to kill yourself and you’re still here, maybe there is a point to you being in this life. Maybe there is that one person you make a difference to, maybe you haven’t even met that person yet. Maybe you are going to be a role model for a kid who has gender identification issues. You are really going through something awful. From what I gather you don’t want to suffer anymore, and I’ve been that low, but could never convince myself to do it. I live near a bridge….. that would be great, but way too cliche, anyway.
Hope this helps.
Really, you are a valuable person. Every person has worth!! Including you!
Im from the Bay Area. I used to live in San Leandro now I’m out in the Valley. I’ve tried to kill myself twice. Once when I was 14 I swallowed pills but woke up 14 hours later and ran away and 10 years ago I tried Carbon Monoxide but while I wasd sitting there trying to fall asleep I kept seeing images of my neice and nephew. I’ve soldiered on for them and have been able to watch them grow and play football and basketball and stuff and am now a part of their lives and couldnt end it even though I only see them a couple of times a month, the rest of the month I have no job, no money and havent had a girlfriend in over 10 years. Somehow I keep going. Im 40. Sometimes I just lay on the couch for hours and just exist like a vegtable. Someimes the pain of lonliness makes me curl up in a fetal position and feel the pain but I guess as long as we can find one reason to keep going, we just keep goin. sorry i have nothing useful to tell you i guess
no i apreciate the response my sister has two kids, ones 2 and the other 3. i wanted to detach from them, but was thir baby sitter up untill now. the wake of pain is the thing ill regret if im not full of shit. i had someone i was interested in, and followed them around for years when i was younger. i watched her hook up with everyone, on a couple ocations she had the nerve to hook up while i was in the same room without saying anything. she would allways say how much she loved me, and how i was her best friend. i cared about her more than i did myself, when she tried to comit i was the only one that visited her. i felt so one sided in the relationship, allways the third wheel. allways lead on, i gave her everything, spent all my money on her to take her places, even though she would just end up meeting up with someone but “wanted me there” and when id call it quits shed talk about how i was the only guy to do this or that for her, hoe she was so atracted to me. been away from her for two years yet i cant get here out of my head. even when i had a gun pointed i thought of her. when i turned 21 she finally gave me a chance, but it was just pitty. besides that i had problems even getting into it. had the same results with a strip club, discussting place. your post was usfull, ive never told this to anybody. thx
thx, ive tried to have that mentality, i call it my highs. ill try to focus on hobby’s, and decided i couldn’t live with a job that was usless and didnt mean anything, aka sales. i would meditate, learn to just let everything pass me by without attaching emotion to it. ive even twisted it telling myself suicide was my purpose to show people how thir light harted jokes affect people. thats a bad mentality though and i think of taking my life as giving up, and being weak. i dont know how some do it, they are very inspirational to me (living technically usles to evolution). i tell myself theirs more to life than just being with a person, and call myself silly for wanting to end it cause i feel alone. ill admit ive become spiritual (not religious), but its starts to feel like an elision at times. hell i even think my thoughts matter, trying not to think bad about people, or vengful thinking on others, though its not allways the case. i remember when i was way younger and all science is the way, were here cause dumb luck big bang i would think that i had chosen a harder life. or increased the dificulty if you will, it was to get me by i thought of it abstractly, and before my gender even was in question. i hung out and tried to be a typical boy, but i now see how i liked some of my friends, and have lost most of them because ive become so un interested in thier subjects and cant relate to them. hell i even feel girls have problems with it, and joke just as much. i remember right before it happened i told a friend how i feel aquward around girls and more comfortable with guys cause he asked why i never got girls. i remember as a joke i told my mom i was taking a guy to prom cause she kept bugging me about how its a great time in ones life, and i regret if i dont go. she freaked saying i better not be gay and all this shit. i dont care what they think though. idk anymore, the only reason i think i conected with the girl i did is cause i think she was gay herself, she would talk about trying to get with other girls, at the time i thought it was a fad.
well thx ill check up on this thread later everyone’s been helpfull, dare i call this therapeutic
I’m not in the Bay area but I am decided on partial hanging. It’s quick, cheap, and *almost* painless if you do it right. There’s a lot of info Online about how to do it correctly.
ya I might go to the army recruters n try to get 1,500 b4 basc for sighning on tomarow. It’s a long shot and probably won’t go down. My prob with hanging is the snaped nech thing, idk I am bad with injury. I could look into other pills or maby taking antidepresants see if it gets me in a state where I can shoot. Well see, well what ever you do or don’t best of luck