No One Could Ever Understand

I just came back from a training week. To come home, to this shithole. No one wants to be here. I left for the week and no one was here. I’ve had 5 addresses since i came back in 2011. My mom has a brain tumor. I’ve had to step up and take care of things. I’ve been in the military since i was 17. i’m 20 now. I got married to my wife to make her happy. i wasnt ready. i’m having a baby because her eggs are dying. i wasnt ready. i love her, i am happy to be married to her. everything is such a mess. the fact that i moved in with both of them so that we could live better, my mom, my brother and I didnt have anything but a half bathroom, a closet and a couch, but now, it feels like it was better off that way. my mom and my wife dont talk. my wife is suffering from her own depression and has attempted suicide in the past. it wouldnt have happened if i wasnt around. the strain on our relationship pushed her over. i stayed after i found out about her issue because i truly love her and i wanted to help. it’s selfish really. idk what to do anymore. the only time i feel happy is when i’m with my unit. even there, i feel like a shitbag. everyone thinks i’m this great kid, but i fuck everything up, i lose things, i forget things, i tried to go to school last semester on the GI bill and i failed a class solely because i couldnt manage my time and missed the deadline for the final online exam. I’m a loser. i work two jobs now. one stocking shelves and the other “security” where i flip a switch to open and close a gate. I see no future here. I want to go active duty so bad, but i cant do that to my wife, we would never last. But if i ended myself,she could take the baby and stay with her family. my mom hates me, she told my lil bro not to be like me despite all the things i tried to do for us. Now, he’s in college, living his dream, not having to worry about anything because I’m here for my mom. Maybe they will appreciate me when I’m gone. I want to talk to my wife, but how can I tell her that I want to hurt myself. After all the times I told her not to, when I got her help, when I told her that’s not the answer, she couldn’t help me. The only reason I’m here is because of the baby, but maybe when I’m gone, she wont have me to fuck her life up too. I should’ve put that bullet in my head at the range when I had the chance. Everyone just sits there and judge. Even if I told them, they would never understand what I’m going through. They could never understand where I’ve been and where I am now.