Sometimes I just feel like such an insignificant speck in this world. I just really want out, even if death isn’t the answer. Growing up in such a small judgmental town really makes me want to find somewhere to get lost in. I just always feel so unloved and unimportant. Most people think that suicide is about being selfish and thinking that everyone hates you. This just isn’t true, or for me at least. The reason why I want to die, is because I feel like my existence is a waste of other people’s time, attention, and even oxygen. I never have actual conversations with people on a day to day basis, and many onlookers would think that I am perfectly fine. My issue is that  I know nobody gives a shit about me either way. People don’t like me, people don’t hate me. I have “friends,” and I appear happy to most people. The only people who have seen past my act are people that know the numbness that lingers in my eye. So no, I don’t want to die because I think the whole world is against me, or that the world would be a better place with out me. I want to die because I know that my being alive will have no impact on society. I am not asking for help, I really don’t want pity, I just want to inform people that suicide isn’t a selfish act. It’s a mindset. It is something that just festers in the brain, and waits for the perfect opportunity to strike. If you’re reading this, just know that I’m writing this for you- for everyone who has all of that pain in their eyes-  you are not alone. People like us exist every where. We form a dust cloud. Even if I don’t win my personal battle, I would try to help anyone who goes through this… I would care for anyone who feels so immaculate. Anyone who feels like a spec of dust.
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5 comments
I don’t know what to say, but yo
I don’t know what to say, but you exactly expressed how I feel.
I’m glad, like I said.. If I could stay and help others it would give me a purpose for being here
i simply cannot agree completely. i do see and feel how depression and a feeling of `disconnectedness` are a mindset , and one that can have very painful consequences.
but i absolutely think suicide is selfish – that doesn’t mean it’s never the correct answer- but you are ultimately causing deep emotional pain to your family. they are the ones that have to live with that loss and them blaming themselves for the rest of their life. And that feeling will be with them every minute of every day, it will haunt them arguably worse than any of the feelings we are going through right now. Every nightmare, every anxiety attack you’ve had, they will have too. You are rather you choose to acknowledge it or not part of a family that brought you into this world.
inflicting that pain onto anyone is to me one of the cruelest things you can do to another human being. And for me, my main motivation to hold on, I owe it to them to give it every single thing I’ve got.
I agree with what you’re saying, that’s why I included how this is for me at least