Well, um. Whoo, how to start. There’s this girl, a childhood friend of mine. We’re really close… she’s probably like my only real friend. Right? BFFs and all that for life.  We both bonded over something similar after all- victims of sexual violence. Grisly topic. No need to really get into that. But anyways, we made suicide pacts together. Then a few months ago, she disappeared completely. I was all, miserable to be alone for one, but happy for her, that she’s finally at peace, and I spent my time mourning, dodging my parents urging for me to start University, and trying to be brave enough to end it and join her. I recently found out that she’s still alive, and that she’s doing better… great for her. It’s good that she got out of this deathly soul sucking pit so many of us get stuck in. And I get why she completely stopped talking to me, I really do. But it doesn’t make it not hurt… and it further proves that I’m just a complete mess up. Like a parasite.
Past few days, I wracked up more cars then I can count. I cant even mildly enjoy myself to pass the time anymore. I’m just so lonely all the freaking time that it hurts. It’s as if there’s black hole just endlessly sucking away at my insides. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. It sucks, being alone… but I know that I’m still not mentally prepared to end it yet. I’m in like this limbo area between suicide and cowardice. And it’s not really fun here, especially knowing that there’s no way I can achieve anything remotely close to happiness if I choose to live. I’m too dumb to do well at secondary schooling.
I even met this guy on the internet. He claims to love me. He doesn’t know the entire persona I made for him is a complete and utter lie. But I don’t have the heart to break it to him. I don’t want him to turn his back on me like everyone else. I know, that makes me a terrible person.
Just kinda wanted to rant. Maybe it’d help a little.  Thanks for listening.
4 comments
Have you tried anti-depressant medication? It can make a difference. No, it’s not a cure, but it gets one out of bed most days and allows you to enjoy a sunset.
I hope writing it all out did help some. I read, and I listented.
I tried it a few times, it just made me nauseous and feel like something was oozing into my brain… kinda? So now I just spit it out when my mother’s not looking…
I think taking anti-depressants for the first time is like moving into a new house. It just takes some getting-used-to before you’ll be comfortable with it.
I’m trying not to sound cruel here, but I really think you should tell the guy from the internet the truth. If he claims to love you, then perhaps the best thing to do is to be upfront, before it goes too far and someone gets seriously heart broken.
Have you ever seen Catfish? I hardly think you want to be caught up in any drama. And there’s also the hope that maybe he loves you, not the person you’re pretending to be.
I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.