Uh, I am so discusted with myself! I just starved myself for two weeks and as soon as I got home from school today I binged on everything in sight. I know limiting your diet is bad, but I do not know…I just feel completely out of control if I don’t. And to make things worse I cut myself again right after. Then my mom got home and started to yell at me all over again. This morning she was mad at me too and told me to “go ahead and do it just make sure it is done right… so you don’t end up being even more of a burden.” ( I have been depressed for two years or so)But I never told anyone or gave any hint of being suicidal because I am not… Well I used to not want to live…More Like I wished that I was never born. And I have not been suicidal for a while now. However, in small ways my train of thought is still functioning as if I were… I keep thinking “oh I do not have to do this, since I will not be here much longer. And now that I really think about it up until last week I thought about death everyday. I was not really considering it though.
I do not know why I am typing this right now… I guess I just needed to get some stuff off my mind. Great now tears are pouring down my face. I just thought I was getting better! The other day I was not sad, angry, emotionless, or super happy, but I think I was normal. Hell, I do not even now if I am depressed it just seems to be the only explanation! I feel like I do not have a right to feel this way. I mean I have always had a dysfunctional family and my parents got divorced last year, but it was so long ago and it did not effect me then so why know?! I just feel so lost. If anything not having a reason makes me feel even more helpless.
In tenth grade I think is when my depression really plummeted. I stopped going to school and just lied in bed all day mindlessly watching crapy television.( thats on a good day) By the time summer rolled around I felt better and was excited to start fresh my junoir  year. I was planning on taking a bunch of AP courses and to better myself self worth… I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! I sunk deeper than ever before. I failed two classes last semester and am currently failing all my classes. I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything I still can’t. It is so hard to focus. I have not been to school in such a long time. A first, I guess I was just too tired and could not handle seeing everyone else carry on with their lives like nothing is wrong. Now I know I have too start going back, but I just get so overwhelmed and scared every single time I think about walking into a classroom and facing everyone. My drawing teacher pulled me aside the other day and asked me if everything is okay and I completely stiffed up and did not know what to say. Seriously, all my problems just sound so pathetic… What am I supposed to say uh I am depressed like every other troubled teen on this planet. He noticed I liked to read and was interested in history so he started to talk about a German jew who survived the holocaust. And how he had everything torn away from him, but he still managed to be happy and move on with life. I think he was talking about Primo Levi?.. Anyway the last words he spoke to me that really stuck was” a lot of people suffer in this world.” Yeah I know, it annoys me when people say you should not be depressed because a bunch of other people have it worse. If I reversed that phrase it would be a tantamount to “You should not be happy because their are other people who are way happier than you . what!?!!! Lets see you handle waking up every morning wishing you were dead.
Anytime, some glimpse of hope passes by I just push it away. It is like I am terrified of it. I have been this way so long, it is hard to picture my life any other way. Earlier this year there was this essay compotition where the two finalist get to go study in Florence Italy for a month. Somewhere deep down I felt his was supposed to act as some kind of redemption for my past mistakes. Of course, I never ended up writing it. Only Seven people turned in an essay. And my tenth grade english teacher seemed disappointed. He told me two of the essays were the worst compositions he had ever read in his life. ( I think that was to try and make me laugh) Regardless, of how terrible this made me feel I have finally moved on. I do not now why I am the way I am. I am just so full of self loathing.
Sorry, this is a long mess that most likely makes no sense. I just needed to get my thoughts out there somewhere. This probably all sounds so stupid and selfish. I am sick of keeping everything in, yet I can not get myself to tell anyone… I am afraid they will not understand and think that I just want attention or something is going to go all wrong. Â Maybe I do not need help. Arrhhhhhh! I am so lost! How did I even get into this mess in the first place. I am really shocked that I am still breathing –that I have managed to stay alive this far.
3 comments
I don’t think that’s a “long mess”. It makes sense to me. It’s natural to want to talk about these things with people, and I don’t think that you “just want attention” either. I think I understand.
Hi 🙂
There are a few things that stand out here to me. First of all, you strike me as pretty smart. You mention that you are taking AP classes (the fact that you haven’t been going is a different matter) and also that your teachers single you out as someone who they expect to do well. But what I think is more important is that you know what one of the underlying problems is: you haven’t been going to school. I know that when you’re already in the habit of not going, trying to drag yourself there is hard. Staying in bed seems so much easier, especially when you’re already failing.
It seems like another of your problems is not being in control. I can relate. I know what it feels like to desperately want to control something – anything – when everything else in your life feels like it’s going nuts. If controlling your diet works for you, that’s good… as long as you’re being healthy. I’m not going to preach about eating disorders (I’m assuming that as a high school student you’ve heard the lecture) but if you suspect you have one you should consider getting help. I find that dieting doesn’t work for me (in terms of controlling myself) but driving does. It’s something about being in control of the car that is calming to me. If you don’t have your license, try walking or running. Plus, you get out of the house which was always a huge bonus to me. I hated being around my mom.
I realize that forcing yourself to go to school is a whole different issue. When I was depressed in high school (because yeah, I dealt with it and came out alive on the other side) I would wake up and literally think, “what do I have to look forward to today?” And whether it was a movie in English class, a substitute in Math, or having lunch with my best friend, it got me out of bed and gave me the motivation to drag my ass there. The important thing was that I found SOMETHING worth getting out of bed for. And I would focus on that all morning to convince myself not to crawl back into bed, which was all I wanted to do. I recommend you try it. What do you have to lose?
The last thing I have to say is that in the last paragraph where you talk about how you feel like you aren’t making any sense is actually where I think you make the most sense. I think you sound really normal. Okay well, I can’t say that for sure, but that’s how I always felt… still do. In any case, I seriously doubt you’re the only teenager thinking like that.
Thanks, Worrystone and Regret 17 I really appreciate that someone took the time to read my post and respond. I went to school today and I swear it took all my will power to keep my nerves down. My friend was complaining about how he got a B on his test, while I was trying to alliviate some stress by reminding myself I did good because I managed to actually get out of bed. It is nice to know that I am not alone. And I really hope that you guys will be able to find happiness.