The hurting never stops (long, I’m sorry)

I was looking up suicide methods, and I found this site. I’m not sure why I really want to write anything here. My counselor tells me when I mention my suicidal ideations to her that she’s hearing there’s at least one part of me, however small, that wants to live. I think that might be what’s going on here. Or I’m just seeking attention. Or validation… I’m not sure.

In the Fall of ’09, I overdosed in my dorm room. I think I was 18. My friends I was living with decided that I should move out of the room. They were sick of dealing with me and my depression, and rightfully so. I’m not fun to be around. The boy I loved was someone I took to be my best friend, and I felt he hated me. Later, in the hospital, he came and visited me to tell me that he no longer wanted contact. Given that I’m a guy, too, I don’t blame him. He was probably weirded out. There’s more to that story, but the point is, I’ve been here before. Since then, I’ve come to accept my homosexuality and stuff. I’m alright with it. “Proud,” I guess.

I’m 22 now, about to graduate college in the fall, and I plan on attempting to go on to graduate school. This past summer, I got a tumblr. I met someone. I won’t go into it all, but he was someone that, for whatever reason, I become emotionally attached to. Hard. The problem came when he would ignore me. He would bring me in, tell me he loved me, tell me he didn’t think he could ever let me go, tell me I was “enough,” that I was a beautiful person, all of that, and I definitely believed it. But then he would ignore me. He eventually gave me his number… He never texted me back. It’s implied that I could text him, right? I thought that was the message… He said later, not to me but on tumblr as a post (and so indirectly to me) that emotional attachment was disgusting, that I was overbearing, and that he didn’t want an emotional relationship.

When I would try to talk to him, he would never respond. Months of neglect… I just broke down at one point, and I messaged him that I need to stop this. I blocked him, got rid of his number, and tried to move on. I eventually got rid of my tumblr because it was too much. During the breakdown, I was suicidal. That’s my response to everything – just kill myself. I had a kitchen knife to my throat for a very long time, but I couldn’t do it. I just called a friend and we went for a walk.

During Christmas break, he texted me and apologized for hurting me. He ended it with a goodbye, and I responded, accepted, and said goodbye, too. But I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want that to be goodbye. My friends tell me that he was emotionally abusive, and my counselor agrees. But I miss him so much. Just an unbelievable amount. It’s been almost 6 months, and he’s still what I think about before I go to bed, what I dream about, what I wake up to, and what I think about during the day.

I’ve messaged him twice since then, and both messages were met with silence. He even started talking about online dating right after I sent him the most recent one. I’m not sure if it was to be cruel or what, but it hurt bad.

I’ve been to the counselor every week this semester. We tried to do a lot of stuff, but I wasn’t getting better. Every other week, I would be pacing in my room with a razor to my carotid artery, just trying to convince myself to push it in. I’ve written two suicide notes, each one never really necessary since I’m not dead yet.

My counselor decided to recommend medication to me. I’m on prozac for depression and obsessional thoughts, a low dose of seroquel for obsessional thoughts, and ritalin for depression and focus. The ritalin has helped a lot. The first time I took it, I hadn’t been that happy since he gave me his phone number. But I’ve learned now that it goes away – it’s fake. It last for a few hours, and then I slip back down. The seroquel makes me uncomfortable. I like being able to go to sleep quickly, but the mornings are two times as bad emotionally as they were before.

And so here I am, skipping all of my classes today, contemplating suicide. School seems completely worthless at this point, even the stuff I love learning about. It’s so competitive, and it takes so much effort. Nothing really feels as valuable as what I felt with him. My friends and my counselor have always been able to get me stable when I’m in states like this. But, like the ritalin, it never lasts long. Last week was my best week yet, but now it’s all sliding away from me. I can’t seem to cut my throat, and the psychiatrist didn’t give me enough medicine to overdose. I’m thinking about dehydration at this point. If I can just go long enough, a week or so I think I’ve read(?), I should be okay.

This constant up and down is torture. Nothing about the highs lasts. He’s still ignoring me, just like most people tend to do when they realize who I am. The hurting really doesn’t ever stop. It just gets so…so much worse. After my last attempt in ’09, I was convinced things would get better. I really was. But it’s been awhile, and they haven’t. Heaven knows I’ve heard it all, and I’ve “recovered” so many times. I’m so tired.

I’m resolved to go through with the current plan, I think. I don’t know why I’m posting this at this point. Maybe for the reasons at the beginning? Regardless… okay.