It’s been a long time since I’ve felt normal. A long time, my friends, since life has filled my veins and captured me with the sweet essence of the promise of life. Since I’ve been the kind of girl to laugh in the summer sun or lie down in the sweet spring rain. To stop and smell the roses. And I don’t know what I am missing.
Sometimes I feel like an unfinished puzzle, left half completed on the rug of childhood; the girl with the half-life, with the skills to make herself great but without the drive to do so. They call suicide a crime, because you are taking away your own life from none other than yourself, but they’ve never been in the position where it’s a crime to even have a life. I sit here and type on a Macbook Pro in the 21st century with my clothes from American Eagle and Abercrombie, my white iPhone 4s next to me and on the desk, my straight A report card. My parents are not abusive. I have never been bullied nor teased; my friends are true and we are great, great friends.
So what is wrong? I am not schizophrenic, though I hear voices none others hear. Sometimes I feel like I have BPD, like I am two halves but not of the same whole. One side begs for me to live. The other pleads equally as hard for me to die. So life has won out, for now; but what’s waiting on the other side of 13? Death isn’t a sacrifice. It’s a promise to end the agony we all feel. Have you even felt so afraid of life that death is the only sanction?
I have blood, red blood, sizzling through my veins. But what good does it if it has no place there; if it is not my blood? This blood has been spilled on the while tiled floors and marble staircases. Why should it exist as it does without it spilling into a bag for someone who has the drive to live? Why should it stay in my veins when there is someone as equally if not more in need of it?
So come, sweet spring rain and summer sun, come and deliver me from this hell.
3 comments
I am not sure if I read your post correctly… but essentially, you are saying that on the surface, you are the woman of the year, doing everything right by the view of the society. However, deep inside, you are running empty with no fuel to go on. And then, with the reference of your “red blood,” I presume you are trying to say that you don’t deserve to live because you think some people will make better use of it than you? So you are asking why do we pretend everything is okay when it is actually not? Is that right?
I am not sure how old you are, but no one asks you to pretend life is great and that you must show smiley face to everyone you meet right? If you are not making an emotional connection with whatever you do, try doing something else that actually can trigger something within. And if that doesn’t work, try doing other things.
I am in the same boat where I sometimes question my own existence..or why I am alive with food and a shelter to hide, and there are people out there hungry with no shelter. After awhile, I realize that is the wrong question to ask. No one says that you must be happy when you have every basic needs met, but the right question to ask is.. what are the things I can do right now that can give me a little win here and there? Success builds on smaller success. Who cares if I don’t deserve to live? I am here..and that makes the self-existential question irrelevant. What matter now is what can I do to be confident and happy in life. Do something different and break a rule or two… you may be happier that way.
If you hear voices that others do not hear then you might be having auditory hallucinations. You should let someone know, any sort of sensory hallucination is very serious. Thanks for sharing a part of your story.
It sounds like you have every superficial thing that “should” make you happy. Maybe the advertisers lied to you. Who are you posing your “why” questions to? God? You have just as much reason to ask, “Why not?” Why ask why at all? Your questions are non-sensical. A proper question entails an answer can be found to it. Stop asking the questions and you will find that a need for an answer disappears. In other words, question your questions. Yes, get out in the sun and away from the computer and phone. I need to take my own advice. Sorry, my comment is more of my initial response to your post. I hope you feel better. I wish I could have chosen what time period to live in. I would have chosen Ancient Greece. How about you?