Diagnosis

So a few years back I tried to kill myself, and recently I finally found out why. A couple months ago I was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome or mild autism or whatever the official name is now. I had thought that getting some clarity would finally be a relief.

But the diagnosis hasn’t been a relief really. Actually its sort of destroyed any hope I had. To know that I am the way I am because I am biologically wired to be is horrible. I feel like I am doomed to always be an outsider in society, because this society wasn’t built for people like me. And when I think about all the damage I have done to my family over the years I feel overwhelmed by shame and guilt. And even though I have a good job now, I feel like its only a matter of time before I crack and just can’t take it anymore.

I don’t really want to die. But when I think about it too much, I always come back to the idea that I really shouldn’t exist, that the world would be better off if I didn’t.