I thought I would be happy with more free time but I think everything is just getting worse. It’s just more time to sit and wallow about all of the mistakes I have made and all of the people who hate me. It’s more time to sit and realize how lonely I am and that nobody wants me. It’s more time to think about the fact that my life is empty and that there is really nobody who values me for me. Matt says he does and I think that he believes he does but he doesn’t really know. He doesn’t know what a miserable waste I am and what a worthless pile of shit I really am. He doesn’t know how happy he would be without me but he gets a taste every once in a while when he sits and watches beautiful women doing things that I could never dream of with fantastic bodies that only prove the fact that I should be murdered and buried in a shallow grave. He gets a taste of it when he gets to spend time with his friends, which is something that I could never dream of doing because nobody wants me around no matter what I do or say. I am a miserable sack of shit that nobody will ever want except for the one person that has been fooled into believing I’m worthy. Every day when I get home I hope that there is a psychopath in my house waiting to kill me so I won’t do everyone the shame of killing myself. I can see the cringes on people’s face when I open my mouth to speak. I can see the looks that they give me and the laughter they suppress when I walk into a room. I can hear the things they say that they think are just quiet enough to be overlooked, when really it’s as loud as a god damn siren screaming through a deserted town. I know I am being ignored and ostracized and hated. It’s not a secret. Why bother keeping it a secret when the goal is to destroy me from the inside out. I lay awake at night and dream of the kind of life where somebody wants to talk to me, sends me a text that says “hey,†wants to go hang out or go to the movies or get lunch or go shopping or do anything where I am involved. I just want somebody to just one time contact me and tell me hi. I want to get a text from someone that I am not related to that doesn’t have anything to do with work or school. I want to stop making up stories about people that I “know†just to make it sound like I have relationships with people in any aspect of my life. I don’t know what is so wrong with me that I can’t forge any kind of connection with any other human being.  I just want to crawl in a hole and live with my dog where nobody can come bully me or bother me or hurt me. I want a baby that depends on me and needs me and loves me because nobody else ever will. I would have that all right now if I hadn’t listened to the voices telling me otherwise and thrown it all away. I could have anything I wanted in this life and I could have had it now. I could have had somebody that wanted me and loved me and needed more than they could ever need another person. I could have had love and acceptance and I could have had a purpose. I could have had everything I ever needed. When I graduate school I am afraid because I know that no matter where I go I will still be hated and cast aside because there is just something about me that puts people off no matter how I try to present myself. I don’t know if it is because I am fat or ugly or because I am just a mean horrible person without any reason to live. Fuck my fucking life. I am fucking ready to fucking die. Fuck.
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I am sorry that you feel this way about yourself. I feel many of the same things, and reading
your post reminds me of similar things I tell myself. But hearing someone else say them, this
is what comes up: There is no possible way that these things could be true. If they were true,
then, my god, someone would have already killed you long before now! I guarantee you that the things you wrote about yourself (and others) cannot possibly be true. There’s no way this stuff could be true, because if it were then worse things would be happening to you. But they aren’t. You are taking small bits of reality and amplifying them into totally false accusations. I do this too. It’s hard to see for yourself, so I am telling you: IT’s NOT TRUE!
Don’t be around people who disrespect you.
Work to improve anything you don’t like about yourself, and somehow become comfortable with your own body, even if you can’t make it “what everyone wants.” Most people have outrageous expectations. You can’t punish yourself for that. You shouldn’t, anyway. And, ya know, just because you might not consider yourself “very attractive,” that doesn’t mean you “should be murdered and buried in a shallow grave.”
Actually, if you are displeased with your body for some reason, there’s a pretty good chance it’s something you can improve.
But i should caution you, improving your physical attractiveness will attract attention from guys you probably won’t actually like. It’ll be a hassle.
Finding a special connection with a special person, is already something much more rare than what movies and TV’s will have you believe, and it gets even harder if you don’t even like your own body.
So work on that. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be a supermodel. You don’t have to ever win a single “beauty-pageant.”
Just be healthy, both physically and mentally, and value yourself. Establish just what it is that is important to you, and explore your personality.
Don’t be afraid to give someone else the same chance you’d want to be given. There are plenty of guys out there who would appreciate a girl with a compatible personality, who wants to be there, regardless of what her body might look like.
I feel the same too, and it seems that you have the same mental trouble than me, which is called “avoidant personnality disorder”, a strong social phobia, you feel like ugly, like a real shit, no friends, don’t want to show people the true yourself cause sure they wouldn’t like you, avoid every situation that could make you feel bad, that’s why you would like to hide yourself in an hole, suffer from dysmorphophobia, hypersensitivity to reject and criticism, self imposed self-isolation…
Another caracteristic of people with avoidant personnality disorder is to utilize fantsay as a way of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts… and that is exactly what you do during your insomnias…
Just check on Google ” avoidant personnality disorder”, maybe it is the answer of why you feel like this.
I’d like very much to be able to chat with you anyway, cause I exactly know what and how you feel.
“I want to stop making up stories about people that I “know†just to make it sound like I have relationships with people in any aspect of my life”
So classic for people with Avoidant Personnality disorder, I do exactly the same.
You definitely should check this disorder on Wiki.
Knowing you have it won’t probably help much, but will help you to understand some things… You will also learn that many people feel exactly the way you feel, with exactly the same symptoms, you’re far, but far from being alone…
You have many soulmates everywhere, and you even don’t know it.
If you want to chat, or if you think it may help, don’t hesitate to contact me.