If I were to look at things black and white, my life really shouldn’t be that bad; at 24 y.o. I have a good job, good friends and appear to live comfortably. But every day I cannot escape the overwhelming feelings of loneliness, worthlessness and shame. (I could elaborate as to why, but what does it matter)
Tonight, I came as close as I ever have to attempting to end my life – only resulting in the aforementioned feelings worsening, and an embarrassing conversation with the police having to explain why I was driving so fast.
Sitting here now, my head is so full with thoughts, yet so clear as none of them seem to matter. Feeling so numb that I cannot cry, sleep, move or care what happens next.
The only thought that is coming through clearly is that of my mum, and what this would have done to her had I successfully crashed – in turn making me feel horrible, and trapped in a space where no decisions I make, or actions I take will end these feelings.
I am so self concious of others feelings and the effects on others’ happiness that it has taken mine, and I see no way of getting it back. I feel so guilty from wanting to end my own life, that all I want to do is end it more – ultimate catch 22.
I feel stuck, empty, disgusting and so so tired.
I just want things to get better, if not for me, for those around me.
5 comments
I and suspect many can relate.
When viewed as a whole everything should be fine, but it isn’t. We don’t measure life that way. A single bad experience will outweigh 100 positive ones.
Moments of feeling lonely transforming all experiences.
That’s the crux of it I think, a moment that isn’t shared with anther on a deeper leave just doesn’t feel meaningful. Eventualy it doesn’t even feel real.
I am at a loss at how to change this perspective. Logically I know that we are more than the sum of our parts, that to measure our lives based on a single moment or criteria is foolish.
Yet for this one thing, this… missing out… on sharing even a most wonderful experience at a deeper level with another… changes the experience and makes it less then. And this missing out feels like failure, my failure, a failure that is me.
This sorrow we experience isn’t about finding answers, it isn’t about purpose or meaning, or finding ways to feel good about ourselves… it’s about sharing, It’s about having our experiences, our sense of self, reflected back to us, with compassion, with love, at a deeper leave where we might do the same for the other.
“We are here!â€, “We are real!â€, “We exist! 
The new born baby, feed and kept warm and in general kept safe, but that is never held, who never has their sense of self mirrored back to them, dies. Not able to experience themselves in the eyes of others they disappear and die.
We die, a little at a time, inwardly, disappearing…
I don’t know what can be done.
i feel this used to feel this way 24/7 but it really help if u just start to pretend its okay.
it gotten better now it like 10/7, life is what you make it around you.
sound untrue but , ive been through off the therapy and pills, and now i realized i just regret’d it all. the only reason i was sad was because i wanted to be happy. but only you can make your self happy. enjoy the little things and laugh out loud, to yourself be crazy and dont care wat other thinks. you have hope and i have faith
I’ve been pretending for so long, I don’t have the energy anymore. Years of trying to change my situation hasn’t worked, and I’m at a loss as to what to do next
I think that being unable to cry is better than being unable to not cry.
I don’t feel guilty for wanting to end my life. I feel justified in that regard. What brings me guilt, is perpetuating the systems that made and keep me miserable and wanting to die.
I am past placing others’ reactionary emotions above my own perpetual ones. I’ve suffered enough. If anyone complains of suffering because i’m not suffering… well, too bad, and “everyone has problems.”
One man’s shocking devastation is another man’s blissful release from endless torment.
But catch22, totally. The rule is that feeling bad makes you feel bad… and you have to feel better, to feel better. That’s “the big secret,” “the simple trick.” How absurd. How disgusting. How ridiculous.
“I am so self conscious of others feelings and the effects on others’ happiness that it has taken mine”
I can relate to this a LOT. It’s OK to be more selfish and less empathetic. Unfortunately most people take advantage of empathy, good nature, and generosity. I learned my lesson the hard way. I enabled one person’s bad behavior for years, and another time when I was on the “needing” end NOBODY came to save me. Nobody cares as much for you as you care about yourself.
Secondly, and this is a complete guess, but maybe you aren’t happy because you aren’t following your calling in life? Most people who know me tell me how lucky I am and how jealous they are of me, but in reality I’m not the happiest, and I’m insanely alone. (I’ve learned to be happier lately, but struggle sometimes) I’m confident I have a bigger purpose in life than my job and one day I hope to get there.