Well, my camping trip is booked for next week – a trip scheduled for my birthday. Aren’t I nice, scheduling my suicide around my birthday to leave the 2 people I care about with one time a year to have to grieve (rather than both a birth and death dates). Good timing too; I quit my job 2 months ago and the money is just running out. Maxed out $10k on credit card, dipped into bank overdraft, and just missed a car payment for the first time. Luckily no co-signers on any of it, family won’t be responsible for any of the debt. Extra incentive to go through with it; if I don’t, I’ll be losing the car, my apartment, and my credit score. Lol!
Plan to spend a day scoping out a nice tree I can err… “swing” from, then drink like a fish to fend off fully conscious pain, and head to the tree after dark to exit in what will hopefully be a fairly painless exit.
On another note, who knew trying to write a suicide letter for your only sibling (in this case, my sister) could be so difficult? Just wanted to write a fairly basic “this wasn’t an impulsive decision”, “you’re not to blame”, and “please move on with your own life”. It’s now gotten quite long, really need to trim down the length before I write it on paper (currently typing it out).
I’ve gone from apologizing that I failed to set aside enough money to pay for cremation so she could get better closure by scattering my ashes (with a sentence granting permission to refuse to pay and let the government deal with my remains), to finishing off the letter with a quote (will probably remove it, not exactly a consoling quote):
“They tell us that suicide is the greatest act of cowardice… that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
Should be an interesting week!
3 comments
“…who knew trying to write a suicide letter… …could be so difficult?”
Me. I knew. Little over 3 years i’ve been trying to find the perfect final words for a particular person…
But every time i tried, i ended up with paragraphs, chapters, endless drifting through my thoughts… a series of stacks of emails…
Trying to think of the last things you’ll ever say to anyone, can be rather difficult. Many times it results in realizing that you want to say more.
Some people just say nothing.
Some people are just… gone.
I can’t not send a letter to my (older) sister. She’ll think this is such a sudden onset and that I just offed myself at the drop of a hat, instead of calling her and talking it out. She’d feel guilty and responsible, far more than I hope she will with the note.
She’s my only sibling, no father in the picture, and mom is the ignored black sheep. Thankfully she has a husband and 3 kids, so she should have a support structure to fall back on, even if it’ll strain all of them. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m her only immediate family member she can talk to. She’s not going to have that anymore, and it’s the only part of my suicide that breaks my heart. But not enough to put off doing this.
I just wish society had gotten to the point of having a healthier outlook on suicide. The fact that it’s so hard for most people to deal with is damn frustrating. I’m somewhat of a sociopath, but not so much that I’m blind to what this will do to my sister. Sigh.
Yeah i wouldn’t suggest leaving an impossible mystery for anyone you care about.
I’ve personally acknowledged my own appreciation for having the opportunity to “be there for” both my half-sisters who are younger. The older one birthed my first niece a year ago, and the younger one is getting married this month, and should be birthing my first nephew very soon.
Part of why i’m still here is that i didn’t want to cause psychological trauma to either of my pregnant sisters… and there wasn’t much of a gap between the end of one and the beginning of the next. The younger one lost her best friend last year to suicide, so i figured… i should bear the misery long enough, at least for her and her kid-to-be. Her friend… was young and smart and beautiful, and… well, couldn’t take her own personal problems anymore.
My own attempts to reach out to those closest, have been met with denial and dismissal and blank stares. I’m not depressed, i’m just lazy and sensitive and eccentric. Or, at least that’s how they seem to interpret my despair. The older of my sisters is the only one who can understand me. The younger one is still blocking out things she can’t handle, since losing her friend. She’s lucky though, because she has a decent job and a nice passive guy whose parents are wealthy, so as long as nothing crazy happens, she should be fine. I worry though, that her mental walls will suddenly come crashing down, and she will be utterly unprepared for the cascade of… stuff.
I can’t tell you what your final words to your sister should be… but i guess i should recommend that you consider who she is as a person, and try to predict what she would need to read, to be least impacted by your decision… or something that can comfort her in her difficult moments.